A Veritable Pom

I said 'Off'.

As in Rhymes with 'cough' as opposed to 'orf' which is what the Saffas say.

All innocently and unexpectedly...

'Off' Just like a Pom!

Oh how we laughed.

poor snowman...............

Death of the snowman...Hoppy eyeing the carrot...

Am hoping for more snow in January.

Xmas Jigsaw

A xmas jigsaw is the most fun. Anyone who thinks this sounds boring should try it. Is fabulous. I was not good, but it was a jigsaw with which I did not bond. I am going to buy the jigsaw for next xmas.

The xmas manor was a great success. I think indeed , we will go there again.

Dr Lauren is nothing short of a genius for finding and organising all this.

Our suite was called Coralline. Caused some problems as the saffas said CoraLEEN and the poms said CoraLINE.

(a locally sourced material from shell deposits millions of years old)

The Lovely Aged Grandparents stayed in Samphire.

Samphire is an edible seaweed eaten in the bottom right hand area of the UK. (is very nice actually, bit chewy) They call it a Gastronomic Delicacy.

The Gorgeous Son has never heard of it and called the suite Hampshire. Dof boy.

Darling Simon and Dr Lauren's suite was called Provender.

(dry food for domestic livestock. Butley Mill was a provender mill)

The Gorgeous Son's suite which he shared with Adam, The Gorgeous Brother of Darling Simon, was called Lucam .

(a projection built at the top of a mill to house the hoist used to raise bags to the top of the mill)

Great Aunt Faith stayed in Mill House Number 1.

No other details. 1 is a number. There are 2 mill houses.

We didn't take up the whole place. We are only so many people.

Lordy!

So now you know.

India...my grandkitten

India had a great xmas, she especially enjoyed snooker in the games room. The owner came around to look at the heating and we had to shut her in the BBQ and Bicycles cupboard,( India, not the owner!) but she survived with no ill will. She got some fabulous presents. And only chewed one jigsaw piece. Which , luckily I found under the couch . Which should in fact make me jigsaw champion of the world but nobody else seems to see it that way.

Best Xmas table in the world

Dr Lauren's work..amazing!

Xmas Manor

In the midst of all this , was an amazing Holiday Manor. Five kitchens managed to produce a wonderful xmas meal, my department was Gammon, brussel sprouts, peas and baby corn.

Darling Simon's dad made the turkey and The Best Gravy in The World.

Great Aunt Faith was in charge of parsnips and potatoes, there were many dishes in the various kitchen and all were taken to The Great Dining Hall at the same time, no, not by some Xmas Miracle, but by the brave and amazing overseeing of DrLauren the Xmas Nazi.

Continued...

In the land that time forgot....

Children of the Corn....

Before I talk about The Xmas In The Xmas Manor, I need to set the scene.

Far far Away from London, in the County of Headless Scarecrows in the barley fields...............

xmas is coming

Doing quite well...most pressies bought, cars booked for the journey to The Holiday Cottage. Food organised. Dr Lauren's spreadsheets adhered to.
Snow OK. No more falling snow, so travel good for go. (so far)
Have bought hair colour but not applied yet. Due to having drunk a lot of Southern Comfort. Am afraid will not be able to follow instructions.
Have applied false nails. Very shiny and red and long. Why did I do this?? No idea. Is very hard to type actually.
May be result of Southern Comfort..but no... bought them before Southern Comfort was applied.
Have probably gone mad.
But nails do look lovely.
Many many things I cannot do with long nails.
Some of which would be TMI.
Cannot see nails lasting till xmas actually

A day without learning..

Today I found out what a 'saveloy' is.
Have always wondered but never been brave enough to try, so sent The Hubby to get Fish and Chips and a SAVELOY.
It is actually a cross between a vienna sausage, a frankfurter and polony.
Is disgusting.
So much for that.

Promises promises.....

winter...

I LOVE snow.

LOVE LOVE LOVE it.

The Hubby thinks I am mad.

Super secret weekend

Has been hilarious...Darling Simon arranged a secret weekend away for Dr Lauren for her birthday. It has all been very hush hush, and indeed, she has been major pissed off that nobody has arranged anything for her birthday.

We invented a fictitious weekend away working for The Hubby, she met us at the Mad Bishop and Bear pub at Paddington to say goodbye to daddy who she would not see on her birthday, poor Darling Simon was reduced to hiding in the bushes outside their house , waiting for her to leave...was all very exciting and spy like.

I had to pretend to go to the loo to sms Darling Simon. Dr Lauren thought I had an upset tummy. (had to say something...blamed the black pudding)The Hubby is not used to lying, but he did very well, better than me, because I kept smirking.

Between the 3 of us , we had so many lies going that we truly didn't know what we were doing anymore. When the train was delayed I thought I would have heart failure. Earlier, when we had the fecking BLIZZARD, we all panicked.

All worked out just fine. Dr Lauren didn't suspect a thing . The very last minute as she was going to wave Daddy onto the train, Darling Simon appeared and swept her off.

He is such a Darling boy.

We love him.

Snow!

Well, after all the promises, the snow was initially disappointing. See first pic, which is a kind of snow I have never seen before..polystyrene balls! Very Odd.

Then the snow stopped, and started again, then we had a BLIZZARD, and just look! All my footprints from earlier on have FROZEN! How cool is that? I was feeding the poor wee birds, in case you need to know why I was hopping around in my bare feet in the snow.

There is something truly wonderful about being barefoot in the snow. I love it.

The Hubby is working from home. He apparently does not appreciate the ten minute snow update. He wants to know what part of WORKING I don't understand. I thought he would like to see how much snow I was covered in after standing outside for 3 minutes. Or not.

Weather Update

It is getting quite cold. Cold as in wear a jersey all the time cold. And Socks. The papers are now saying there will be a white xmas, and weather warnings about not being on the roads...hmmm.. I have only been here for one other winter, but all sounds familiar. Obviously they learnt nothing from last year.

So, officially it will snow in London on Thursday, which is good, and means The Hubby will get home from Dublin tonight and not be trapped by the snow like last winter.

We will not be cancelling our xmas travel plans (again, like last year ) for the same reason, we have already paid for the xmas cottage.

Household tip of the day

Upholstery and carpet cleaner comes in an identical dispenser to Vanish laundry stain remover.

(apart from the writing of course, but without glasses....)

Anyway, works exactly the same, if not better.

Ripped off (voluntarily)

Saffa shop in Wimbledon has a (totally illegal) stock of Peck's ...

yes, £3.95. I bought 2.

So what's that? R90?

Bloody Hell

Anchovy toast...mmm..priceless!

Dead Snowman

Many of them about at the minute.....

Poor Foxes

I wish I could feed the foxes, but I have been told that this would be a BAD THING.

It's soooo cold and the poor things huddle beneath the ferns at the bottom of the garden. I was thinking, perhaps I could get a nice doggie bed for them? Surely that can't be too bad? I am worried that they might eat my squirrels if they are starving. Now , THAT would be a Very Bad Thing. But what if I feed them and then I move out at the end of our lease and the next people have a baby and the foxes eat the baby?

The Dutch Neighbour is always moaning about people feeding the foxes, so maybe enough people are feeding them? I don't think so, they look very hungry to me. When they are in the garden, I say 'hello little foxes' in a very loving way. So far they just GLARE at me, but I am hoping they will get to love me too.

Probably not.

TV

It takes a while to get into the TV thing, but I have got it now. I have not yet got a soap, but I do have a short list, thanks to Cousin Jane. I watched I'm a celebrity, get me out of here and I knew at least half of the celebs. I watch Loose Women and I now know what they are talking about. I like the comedy shows. I like the sitcoms. I can work the Virgin TV on demand thing. I get quite annoyed when The Hubby is home and takes over the remote control.

Tonight I watched The Chris Moyles Quiz show, then Miranda (on demand) Then Rambo, First Blood and some of the IT Crowd.

I probably watch far too much TV.

Family Visits

Cousin Jane came to stay. We had the best ever time. She understands about the sunglasses thing and wears hers all the time, just like me. She taught me a LOT about Pom stuff. She knows EVERYTHING. She is my hero.

Squirrels

I ran out of monkey nuts for my squirrels, so I put out some bread. This is what they thought of it. I don't really know what squirrel poo looks like, but if this is not squirrel poo, then the foxes didn't think much of the bread either.

MOTHER gets annoyed with my constant photo taking. She has always said I would even take pictures of poo. Well now I have.

Winter Wonderland

It's truly beautiful! I love it.

Mostly I am on my own with this. Me and Amiga Jane. Nobody else really likes the snow.

What I don't understand is why and when it snows. For example it is minus 4 today. Is cold. Is not snowing? How does that work?

How I know it's Winter

I had to put on a light jacket and socks and boots. (new, brown, ankle, I have them in black as well. Very nice)

It was getting too dark at 4pm to wear my sunglasses. I came out of Sainsbury's and couldn't see with them on.

There is frost on the windows in the lounge. I think it's frost. Worryingly, it seems to be on the inside.

My toes are numb. Think I may need to wear slippers when at home.

And while on the subject...

How odd is this? Bloody Douglas Green in Cyprus??

Saffas in Cyprus

Can you just imagine? A Saffa in Cyprus? This house is amazing, bokkies, bones, cane bottles.. and all sorts of Saffa Stuff, is crazy. I made Darling Simon's mom stop and yelled 'Middag Meneer!' We had a big chat, he is from Pretoria,how very very odd is that? The house is like a tourist attraction in the area.

London Day

This was my day today

Got up about 11 ish...the hubby and I are not early risers.

Was not actually my turn to make coffee but I made it anyway.

Got the train from Surbiton to Wimbledon, then the tube to Sloane Square. Went to the Saatchie Gallery. Went to the market outside the gallery. Took the 19 bus through London to Tottenham. Went to Foyles. Bought Fabulous Books. Went to Soho, Gerry's, bought brandy from Cyprus , went to a gay bar (not on purpose, but I needed to pee and it was the closest bar) Travelled home in rush hour (everyone moans, but is actually quite fun!) went to Waitrose, almost best grocery shop in the world, to buy exotic stuff for the Gorgeous Son's Birthday Tapas Party tomorrow.

Came home, watched Idols.

Hubby watching movie.

Me doing blog.

Have drunk almost all Cyprus brandy

Nice day actually

Poms r us

This blog must soon be coming to an end....Xmas this year must be IT I think.

I have learned to be a Pom.

I speak the language now

I understand the weather

I have bought a poppy in a gesture of Brit solidarity

I understand the transport system (is fabulous)

I almost understand the NHS (is odd) , but who cares because I have Dr Lauren

I speak Pom (pisses me off whenever people say 'Saffa?' Thought I no longer had an accent

I can do Pom TV

I don't actually like the Poms, (apart from Stephen Fry) but am learning...

Biggest thing of all

I always thought Cape Town with the mountains and the sea, and where we lived , with the view and the garden and the whole thing...was the best ever in the whole world

There are many many places that are as wonderful as Cape Town. Better even. Much as there are many wines that are better than Saffa Wines.

My loyalties are divided, confused and totally fucked when I think of going to Venice...Greece...Switzerland...........

BRING IT ON!!!

Beware...Profound Post

Never ever think you can't learn, even when you are past 50

Never ever think you know everything.

So... here's the thing

Darling Simon's Step dad keeps a diary. And has done so for 20 years.

Just write an entry every night of your life. Yeah...sounds like a geeky thing.... think about it

I wish I had kept a diary... then I would know............

How many things have I forgotten about the children?

What was the last thing I said to my dad, when did I last speak to him before he died? What did we talk about?

Had I just made a diary entry.... chatted to dad today, he was fine, sent his love to the kids.........

Did I say " Love you, Bye?" Who knows? I don't remember.

Was my nephew Richard's birthday recently. He had a car accident, was in a coma, and then 5 weeks later, he died.

I would have liked to look back and see what i had written on the day he was born.

How I would love to read a day to day entry of the last ten years, even if it was just ONE LINE a day.

I am so going to start a diary. You never know which day is going to be an important day. And there are things that don't seem important at the time, but that you may want to remember..

Imagine....

Don't feel so well today..............

AAAAAAARRRRGHHHHHHHH

Well, you never know!!

And Food

The new bins have nothing to do with the food bins.

A good thing about the bins is that they are all very clean and nice because the food bins are a totally separate thing.

Usually fine.

Except when the bread went off, as it does , very very quickly in the UK, a whole loaf can be reduced to a poof of , well whatever that green mould stuff is called, and when I put it in the food bin (the inside food bin) all POOFFED up in my face... this cannot be good.

Spores. That's the word I'm looking for.

My lungs are now filled with spores.

Can't be worse than nicotine.

There is nothing on this EARTH worse than not smoking.

So, DR Lauren, what could be worse, me being the recycling queen and having poisonous spores in my lungs, or having the odd fag which is probably way way better for me?

Helpful Household stuff

So how Cool is this? This is the hanging up thingy to put the ironed stuff on. Previously I have tried to hang it on the stairs, doesn't work. This is good.

This is VERY good. Put it at the bottom of the stairs, fill it

up for a productive trip, reverse process at top of stairs.

I LIKE it! Looks nice too? Isn't this a lovely idea?

New inside bins. The post it notes add the other stuff to be put in the bin. So the top bin says 'paper' but the post it note says 'also cardboard'

I do still have to separate paper from cardboard once I take it outside to the outside bins.

The second bin is plastics, but the post it note says ' and landfill'

so that all not otherwise identified other rubbish can be added to this bin.

The bottom one is Glass, but also tins. The Hubby does not rinse out the tins or even interact with tins and I HAVE NOW GOT FIFTEEN BINS INCLUDING THE INSIDE STUDY BINS JESUS FUCK HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME????

Celeb of the Day

Well indeed.

We (The Gorgeous Son and I , ...we are Celeb Ho's , or starfuckers if you like...)

So we arrived 2 hours early and were very surprised to see a small queue...about 20 people.

Oh yay we thought. Have had worse...Queued for 1 and a half hours for Michael MacIntyre

Turns out we were actually a whole day early and this was the beginning of the queue that would be queueing for over 36 hours.

There was a woman there who had flown in from the States...

So, basically, with Keith signing just one book per person, and only 450 people allowed in...and the tube strike tomorrow...we are pretty much screwed.

We hit Chinatown and had dim sum.

Yummy

Still bought the book...hardcover, £9.00.

Priceless.

So Funny

They are mad, these Poms!!

BOGOF

Well , now I have seen it all. If iI was ever impressed with Buy one get one free.....now, there is Buy one get TWO free. Pringles, and Radox Bath . At Tesco.

So basically, 99p for THREE Pringles?

You will be glad to know I have resisted temptation as far as the Pringles go, but I did buy the Radox .

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=group_159667944067805

The Gorgeous Son is running a marathon........come on blog people...it's all in a good cause.

Also, if nobody else gives money I am screwed........... will have to pay it all myself...HELP!

Law and Order

There is a programme here called British Cops, Law and Order...something like that... I can just DIE laughing

Tonight it was about this guy who was kicked out of a club because he urinated ..(and not in the loo)

so they chucked him out and he hurt his head so he called 999 and an ambulance....

So the cops come and are all...excuse me sir, come over here...please don't use that language......no no no...stop it now, off you go home, would you like us to call a taxi?

And truly...they are all like that...it's too too lovely for words.

Am now watching one where somebody called the cops because a man and his wife were having an argument and the hubby bit the wife's thumb.....as we speak, the cops are saying, 'are you ok' and she is a bit upset, but the hubby is apologising, and the cops are saying, 'now, now, kiss and make up...........and so they did...and then the cops radioed in and said basically 'problem over'

How SWEET is that?

I'm sure there is crime because there are some stabbings, but REALLY!

night time

Ok, I remember this from last year. It is dark. I am ready for bed. It is 6pm.

THIS IS DOF!

Dark does not always = night.........

I have already had supper...now what???

Anyone for a beer?

The oranges juice wasn't too bad either.....

Reading Group #2

Goodness! What a difference from the Greenwich Group.

Apart from the fact that there was a "waiting list...." , first meeting I felt like these somewhat

stuck up women did not want a new member, and especially not a FOREIGN member, came home feeling somewhat .......what? Sad? Offended? Unwanted?

Yes, all of the above.

Anyway, I went back for the second meet and they didn't seem too bad. They even spoke to me this time. And even though all we do is discuss the book to DEATH for a whole hour, with absolutely no refreshment, not even WATER, is something, I guess.

This is soooooooooooooo not like my SA book clubs. As soon as I know enough people I am starting my own proper book club.

In the meantime, any books you would like me to explain..........

And indeed, it may not be too long until I can start my own club. I have MANY friends. I have Durbanville Dorette, and I have members from Fat Club, and Dr Lauren....and lovely niece Sam.......and Dry Cleaners Michelle, HA! I am almost ready!

Cyprus sign

Hee hee

today's sign

How funny is this? Next to Earslfield station!!

Back to Reality

Still and all, it was good to get back to London, albeit at 2am. Wasn't that cold either. And still is not so bad.

It was sad washing and ironing all our holiday clothes and then vacuum packing them away for another 6 months. (no room for both winter and summer wardrobes...remember?? this is London)

Then today it was the time warp thing. I don't care who or how many people explain this to me I DO NOT UNDERSTAND IT.

So now the clocks go back an hour. So when I wake up it is still dark, but it gets dark an hour earlier...so how is this a good thing? And it would do that anyway all by itself? And who would know?

This has got to be the most stupid thing ever.

Anyone who has a reasonable , logical explanation, please post it.

Cyprus

Well of course it didn't rain! Until our very last day when there was a spit and a spot that dried as soon as it hit the hot hot ground.

FABULOUS holiday...sea and sun and lazy lazy days...swimming in a blue blue ocean, the only ocean I have ever swum in where there are no sharks. It is a liberating feeling, all safe and sound.

Of course our hosts were wonderful, but they are Darling Simon's folks, so what could they be but Darling?

Out of Office

Yay! Off to Cyprus for 10 days.

I am , however, taking the laptop with me. If it rains I will switch it on.

celebs

Oh how we do love to go to the book signings!

Check out The Gorgeous Son andMichael Mc Intyre.

Ken Follet was due around at 7.30, but I had to get back for The Hubby's return from Dublin.

His plane was delayed by an hour as it happened. Also I forgot to book his taxi. Ooops.

Ah well...another day, another celeb.

trains

I love public transport.

45 minutes from my front door to Selfridges. Amazing.

All those people, thousands of them, forming orderly queues, no pushing, no shoving, no talking...oyster cards at the ready for the turnstiles, no delays, nobody fumbling or holding up the queue.

Peak hour at Piccadilly on the Bakerloo line tonight, 2 policemen with sniffer dogs at the bottom of the escalators...saying 'move on , move on, Police dogs, keep moving...' and the dog, no barking , no jumping, just the enthusiatic greeting he gives to the drug carrying traveller who is then discreetly pulled off to the side with no trouble to the thousands of commuters streaming past.

The Gorgeous son and I looking at eat other and saying "BUSTED" at the same time.

Prude

I am so not a prude.

I go to Ann Summers just almost as often as I go to Waitrose.

I know what a rabbit is, in fact , I do have one.

But bloody hell , do the poms not care what they put on TV.

Apart from the fact that the C word is just so not a problem here...the TV programmes!

Lordy lordy! Was a whole programme tonight on having sex with various vegetables and the new app , called the i orgasm.

And I am not even going into the apps for men.

Think the Hubby would have a heart attack

Winter wardrobe

This is a very complicated undertaking.

At the minute, all our winter clothes are sealed in vacuum bags (squishes a whole wardrobe into a 2 foot block)

Summer clothes take up much less space. So now I have to start thinking about vacuum packing away the summer clothes.

There are many reasons I do not want to do this right now.

1) Is it actually going to stay cold?

2) We still need some summer clothes to create layer wearing for autumn.

3) All those winter clothes in the vacuum bag are going to need to be ironed.

3) is my main reason for not wanting to start this process.

I may soon have to unvacuumpack the winter duvet.

It is about 12 degrees here tonight, which in my new Pom terms is not cold.

Nowhere near putting the central heating on yet, but I have put on socks and a cardigan.

Visitors

Our street is a residential one.. .a cul de sac.

To park anywhere in the street you need either a resident's permit or a resident visitors permit.

The parking ticket hours are from 8am to 10.30 pm. There are at least 10 parking warden visits per day.

Don't even TRY to park illegally.

So, for £10 I can buy a book of visitors parking permits from The Parking Shop in Kingston upon Thames. I am allowed 10 books per year. 10 pages per book.

If a visitor parks in our street for a day, they need 3 tickets to cover the whole time. So, in 3 days, that's a whole book.

I know I don't have many friends, but bloody hell!

You will NOT believe this!

For the London cat that doesn't have a garden...plant your very own wee tray of grass.

My grandkitten has one of these. Isn't it precious!

and speaking of chavs...

The Jeremy Kyle show is the biggest chav show in the UK..no..in the world. I watch it to get an insight into chav UK. While I am ironing.

Admittedly, it is like the Jerry Springer Show, without the nudity and violence, but is still scary . More scary actually seeing as I live here.

The Jeremy Kyle show is sponsored by Foxy Bingo.com. Their little logo is a very sweet fox that winks at you and says "hey sweet cheeks"

I was strangely flattered. Smiled back at the dear wee fox.

Please kill me now.

Chavs

Very hard to explain what a chav is.

First time I came across it was when I wore my (very actually expensive, I will have you know) Burberry scarf, and Dr Lauren said "No, no , mummy, you can't wear that, it is a chav thing"

At that time, not really knowing what a chav was, I did wear it again. Now I know. I took it to Oxfam, where, no doubt, some happy chav bought it for £1.

So, if you watch Little Britain (Vicky Pollard) and Catherine Tate, you will start to get the idea.

Chavs shop at Asda. They say the C word in public. They are incredible, and quite unbelievable. And ENDLESSLY fascinating on the bus. Their diction is shocking.

There is a chav who seems to live near us as I have seen her about 4 times now. She is very pretty, looks like a WAG, about 24, and has 5 children , the oldest being about 9 and the youngest looks about 18 months. She YELLS at them and swears at them so loudly that it is quite disturbing.

She was coming out of the doctors today as I was going in. The eldest child was weeping. The other 4 (2 in a twin pram, 2 holding onto the twin pram handles.)

So this was how the conversation went, at about 100 decibels

Well yeah, we are goin' home right, so fucking shut it, and you can't take your shoes off now, BECAUSE I SAID SO, you right little madam you are, don't start with me...SHUDDUP. What are you like?

Scared the shit out of me. Luckily I had my shoes on for a change.

Drinking with the Poms

I have realised that In SA, with Discovery , they prefer you to be unhealthy because they make more money that way. Not so on the NHS.

Apart from the smoking and the 5 a day , drinking is a big deal to them

Live here...and boy oh boy, drinking is a whole new issue.

2 glasses of wine and a cognac per night is not acceptable. It is equal to 9 units. 2 units a day is the limit.

(units are a BAD thing)

A Pom glass of wine (one unit) is about the equivalent of a SA glass of sherry. In the pubs you can have a small glass or a large glass. Even the large glass is laughable.

Order a cognac and you would be hard pushed to see it in the bottom of the glass.

So, basically, a Saffa drinks an entire week's unit allowance in one evening. That would be if you are at home in front of the TV.

I drank my whole years's unit allowance at Welkom Friend Charlotte's braai .

(the less said about that , the better)

The recycling doesn't help. You are forced to drink less so that you are not embarrassed when you put the rubbish out.

Dr Lauren says all Saffas are alcoholics, especially the ones our age.

Those of you with small children, encourage them to be bottle store owners, not medical students.

Oh...and there is no such thing as a bottle store here. It is an 'off licence'

In the SA shops, a bottle of Klippies costs £20.

A bottle of OBS costs £10

There is no such thing as Cane here, so in the SA shops it is £30

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha .

Cataclysmic recycling event

Yes, I know I said no more recycling stories unless it was cataclysmic...

but LOOK!

The fecking fox has eaten my cardboard recycling container.

Now what? How do I recycle the recycling container? I guess it goes in green box/textiles. But then what? Do I have to buy a new one for the cardboard?

Life is complicated here.

A light bulb blew. I had to google how to dispose of it... so , have to comply with WEEE.

Google it yourself. I am fed up with the whole thing.

WEEE my arse.

Friendly Surbiton

Well now. I am settling into village life here in my wee dolls house.

I have joined the library reading group, first meeting 28th September.

Yes, same formula...we all read the same book.

I have also joined Fat Club, although they don't like it when I call it that, but that's what it is. The official name is 'Weigh-to Go'

Have joined a writing group- first meeting on Friday.

Nobody can say I am not making an effort.

Anyway...very exciting...today I had coffee with a New Friend.

Not to take away from my lovely Amiga Jane and Welkom Friend Charlotte , but a POM Friend whom I did not even have to ASK to be my friend.

She is also in Fat Club. We are actually the thinnest people in Fat Club.

Thin being a relative term here. But if we do have to discuss it, we are thinner by about 30 kilograms. Not that Fat Club has any idea what a kilogram is. They all talk about Stones. What the fuck is that? Although, I must admit I was kak impressed when one fatty said she had lost half a stone. It sounded like an amazing achievement. Big Deal. I have also lost half a stone.

It is about three kilograms.

Whoopie Doo

The bloody 32 yoghuts I bought probably weighed 3 kilograms.

It is a great pity that ironing doesn't burn off more calories.

food glorious food

Look at these fabulous mushrooms I bought at Borough Market! Aren't they amazing?

It's no wonder I am so fat...all these new foods- one stomach.

On the plus side, I only have FIVE yoghurts left!

(I did give some to Lovely Niece Sam) but honestly, who could possibly eat that many all by themselves?? (themself?)

Who...singular, so = themself...hmm, still not very good grammar.

Who could possibly eat that many? Full stop. To avoid a tautology, but no, not actually a tautology, just bad sentence construction.

Grandmamma

Dr Lauren and Darling Simon have a kitten. His name was Doug, but he is a girl, so her name is Indie, I am going with Dougindie seeing as nobody else seems to be able to make a decision. This is what I bought for her.

Fucking hell you really can get anything in this country!

Hee Hee

Last word on Recycling

I realise I have been going on a bit about recycling, much as I went on a bit last year about weather. So this is the last you will hear on the subject unless there is a cataclysmic recycling event.

I am buying this dustbin for the kitchen, bringing my bin total to 9.

This is basically to help The Hubby and to help in winter when it will be too cold to go into the bin alley every 5 minutes.

So...

back to the weather.

Which is GLORIOUS. I wanted to do some gardening today but it was too hot so I had to wait until after 7 when it cooled down a bit. At the minute (as they say here) it is 9 o' clock at night and I am outside with a vodka and cranberry juice basking in the (somewhat pathetic ) light of my garden solar lamps.

Waiting for The Hubby to return from Dublin. He will be here any minute...yay!

Housework

Have got this sussed.

This is what I have:

Bathroom wipes

Kitchen wipes

Floor wipes

Furniture wipes

Glass wipes

Oven wipes

Screen wipes (for TV and computers etc.)

Ha!

The kitchen wipes cost £1 for 120. All the above wipes are kak cheap.

It is an amazing way to clean. I love it.

What I don't have is ironing wipes

Pity.

And while I am moaning.....

I am off foxes now. He has taken my flip flops, and one grey shoe.

Note to self: Do not leave shoes outside anymore.

Worse than that, today he brought a bag of rubbish into the garden, a bag of rubbish from somebody who does not recycle! That is the limit! In this bag, (and over most of the garden bed) was a combination of plastic, food and paper! All in one bag! Unrecycled!

I draw the line at recycling other people's rubbish and put it all in the landfill (black) dustbin.

Bloody hell.

Stupid Doctor

You simply will not believe this doctor I went to see. First of all, she made me go to the surgery even though I could not walk, I had to take a taxi and it took me a good 3 minutes to get down the pathway and into the taxi, and was then ripped for £5 for a less than 2 minute trip.

After a cursory examination, she then asked me if I had any accompanying pain in my legs.

No I didn't.

Then she says do I have any accompanying pain in my 'toilet area'

TOILET AREA??

Fucking hell. I think I am quite old enough to understand medical terms relation to the parts of my body that fit into the oval of a toilet seat.

I have now found a doctor that is older than me (hard to do at my age) . I will go and see him this week. If he says 'toilet area' , waterworks (another favourite here) or 'back passage' I will never go to the doctor again until Dr Lauren is qualified.

Birthday Girl

Yes, that's right...this was my birthday treat, going to see Le Mis which I have always wanted to see! It is the longest running musical ever and is still not as old as me. That is a very depressing thought.

Nonetheless, despite being a Le Mis myself about the whole turning 50 thing, Dr Lauren put up with/ignored my bitching and moaning and organised a splendid day, theatre and then a fabulous evening at Cape Town Fish Market with all family and good friends. We had a marvellous time and got the last train back to Surbiton which was quite amusing with a somewhat trashed husband who laughed all the way home.

On my actual birthday I hobbled around like the old person I now am, having put my back out, got tablets from the stupid doctor that put my stomach out (although Dr Lauren did tell me not to have that glass of wine on my birthday, which apparently didn't help) Nonetheless, I was cured by an amazing chiropractor (from Durban) who magically returned me to an upright position.

Anyone who says 50 is the new 40 is talking crap.

Chicken a la yoghurt

Hmm...surprisingly nice, chicken breast baked in cranberry yoghurt.

India

Dr Lauren has been in India for what seems like forever , but they are back tomorrow.

I will be very glad to see her again and to express my joy will give her at least 16 yoghurts.

Rubbish Day!

Tomorrow is Rubbish Day. Yay!

So, I have emptied the inside food (brown ) caddy into the outside (brown, larger) food caddy, and LOCKED the lid. Have replaced all the liners, small blue/green in the small caddy (compostable, available in Sainsburys) larger green in the larger food caddy (also compostable, years supply in cupboard supplied by council)

I have squished as much rubbish as possible into the black wheelie bin, trying to ignore the million billion maggots that are there because of the fox eating the pigeon thing.

Have got all the glass and tins in the green bin, all the paper in the other green bin, and the cardboard in the white bag.

All has been placed in the alley in the order in which it is picked up.

1) wheelie bin

2) cardboard

3) paper and glass

4) food

What a fucking performance.

Joining the Library

Not as simple as you may think

I had to fill in a form. In this form, they asked my origin, as usual I had the odd choices, white British, Black Afro Caribbean, Asian (which means Chinese here, not Indian, (??) and mixed race choices many of which I had never heard. Mixed race is a fascinating concept here, much more fun than SA where everyone is just sommer 'coloured'

THEN, religious, was I buddhist, christian, sikh, no belief....etc....

THEN sexual, am I hetero , gay (female) gay (male) transgender... this was decidedly odd.

Of course you can't refuse to fill it in because in each section it has a 'prefer not to say'

I restrained myself from saying that in SA this would so never happen...but shut up because I really did want to join the library.

I did say 'How odd this form is ' to the very earnest bespectacled young man .

'Well,' he said, very reasonably', we need to know if, for instance ,if we have no lesbian white Scottish readers of Indian extraction, what are we doing? How can we cater for their needs'?

I was speechless.

Walked back home in the rain with the wind behind me , which meant that my bum got soaked.

yoghurt disaster

It is far worse than I thought. I did not buy 4 packs of 4 red fruit yoghurts. I bought 4 packs of EIGHT. I thought there was a lot left even though I have eaten 2 for breakfast every day.

32 yoghurts.

Today I will have eaten 8 so far.

24 to go.

The Hubby is not helping. Yoghurt makes him vomit. He can't even watch me eat it.

I think today can be yoghurt day , I will have it for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Foxes

I was initially quite delighted at the fox in the garden.

Not so much this morning when the fox had dismembered a couple of pigeons and scattered a million feathers and various body parts over the lawn.

Had to pick them all up (must buy some marigolds)

But where to throw them away? In theory, it should have all gone in the food caddy, but that seemed too yukky.

So I just thought 'fuck it' and put the whole mess in a plastic bag and put it in the landfill dustbin.

And the fox poo as well. Dear lord it stinks!

This fox thing is not working out so well.