Furniture...please!

So...the bedroom furniture arrives on the 3rd August. The lounge furniture arrives Tuesday.

The Hubby goes back to the Land of Potatoes on Monday morning.

That leaves me to sleep on the floor and unpack.

Yay.

Actually, I don't mind, it's easier this way.

Dr Lauren will pass through briefly on her way back from Italy before going to India.

Amiga Jane has deserted me and is touring the ENTIRE UK to avoid the moving.

Lindsay Loo has buggered off to SA (ditto)

The Famous Brother is awfully busy...but...is doing us a Braai tomorrow, so all good there. At least we get to eat something not take-away.

We spend another night sleeping on a mattress protector with the Sofa cushions as pillows.

No Sex.

I washed those bloody mattress covers this morning. Not doing it again.

Moving.............

Thank goodness for The Gorgeous Son or we would be truly screwed. He drove us and the van and all our stuff across London THREE times...what a star he is!

Dr Lauren and Darling Simon are in Italy...living La Vida Loca or whatever the Italian equivalent is, and Than You Dr Lauren...your flipping maid did not pitch and I have spent all day cleaning.

Just as an aside...Oven Pride Cleaning System is FANTASTIC!

Anyway...as we (me and The Hubby, who has never done a move in our entire married life , and is a tad shellshocked at the 3 days move he has had to participate in), as we sit in our 'furnished' apartment in Greenwich, with all our kak moved to the new wee house, I am thinking...'Do we need all this stuff?'

We are down to the bare minimum... no books, no pictures, ornaments, rugs, linen....

One towel...4 of everything in the kitchen...what more do we need?

OK, so the TV is a bit crap with only 3 channels, and 2 of those are out of focus...but maybe this is the way to live.

The simple life.

OK, fuck it, am bored now, off to bed. So much for The Simple Life.

Play Play Cottage

I was too anxious to take photos, so for now a description will have to do.

I will do it in my best Estate Agent manner.

1.)

Fuckwit Pom Agent Description

Spacious , well appointed cottage in Surbiton

Accessible transport and shopping

Newly decorated, neutral throughout.

Large reception room.

2 Double bedrooms, 'eat in' kitchen, modern bathroom

Large private garden.

2.)

Saffa Estate Agent Description

Cosy Cottage for 2.

2 bed, 1 bath, kitchen, lounge.

Manageable garden.

Close to all amenities

3.)

Real Description

Teeny tiny cottage with teeny tiny garden, teeny tiny bedrooms, teeny tiny bathroom, surprisingly biggish kitchen, bigger than both bedrooms put together, interesting use of space in what is the lounge/dining/family/stair/entrance area.

Neat and clean and new carpets and actually quite charming really...

5 minute (brisk walk) to station

10 mins more realistically.

Truly close to very nice shops and bus routes.

Has garden shed for extra storage

And , rather surprisingly....garden service every 2 weeks included in rent. Probably a wee dwarfie person will come around with a pair of scissors and snip the lawn in about 5 minutes flat.

Some rather lovely features such as sky lights, gas fireplace that looks like a real fire...bay window, and of course, even though it is unfurnished...fridge, freezer, washer , dryer and dishwasher.

I think I am going to like it.

Bad Ikea

Now, I need furniture.

Ikea is a large, seething evil city, a bit like that place where Batman lives, but they speak Danish.

I walked a million miles, got very lost, decided after 4 hours that if all I had to show for it was a shoe holder and drawer dividers, I may as well not bother.

Tottenham High Street is much easier.

Admittedly, it was quite exciting taking the tube, the overland and then the Tram to get to Bad Ikea,

Was all downhill from there.

The Hubby, obviously being older and wiser, stayed at home and watched golf.

I am just a bad shopper.

I know it.

I don't care.

Home Sweet Home

Big Relief!

Passed the Landlord test.

Was not rude, or even snippy... (me , not the landlord)

Pointed out a few failings in his property, but in a nice, helpful way.

All we have to do now, before moving in, after having paid the £500 'holding fee' is the following:

Supply a credit reference

Supply a personal reference.

Pay the £65 'moving in' fee

Pay the £95 'inventory' fee

Pay the £7.50 plus VAT charge per tenant to cover the cost of the deposit being registered

Pay the deposit

Pay ONE YEAR'S RENT IN ADVANCE !!!!

No wonder there are homeless people.

?

Gascoigne Pees

Featherstone Leigh

Chesterton Humberts

What are these? Well may you ask.

These are all Estate Agents

Is it any WONDER I have been having so much trouble?

Tomorrow I get to meet a Landlord. If I pass muster I may be allowed to rent his cottage

I am ready to assume any role to avoid being homeless.

Nope

No...cannot rent the nice flat...why? Because we are not gay

Fucking fabulous

I am SO going to sue.

Watch for me on the front page of some kak tabloid

Home sweet home?

I think I may have found a place...fingers crossed!!

Lots of space...and...unfurnished..

Yay! At last can hit the shops and buy all new stuff. I can't wait.

Still, lets not get voor op die wa here, hope to hear today.

In the meantime I am watching daytime TV . Yes, I know, but this is the first day I have not had to travel a million miles on the train to go and look at apartments.

I am watching wife swap, and one of the couples are from Liverpool. I do not understand a single word they are saying. Not helped by the fact that the wife has a speech impediment. They may as well be speaking another language. Is strangely fascinating.

HOT HOT HOT

Truly it is hot....the tube is something else, all of us in a tin can under the ground....Phew!

Got to 34 degrees today, I never want to hear a Pom say they have no summer here.

Spent all day looking for a place to rent, think I may have been successful, but is too hot to tell. Brain is not working.

Going to see more properties tomorrow, then absolutely have to make a choice or I will be homeless on the street with my Big Issue friends.

Why is it so hard to find a place to rent???

Maybe because I am being just a tad fussy , wanting to get more than 55 sq m for £1 500 a month?

Kingston R Us

Oh yes! This is so where we are going to live. It's lovely.

Estate agent is not total fuckwit.

So I have hope.

Actually, initial agent WAS total fuckwit, which actually worked in my favour as she showed us (The Hubby was with me) a total SLUM.

The Hubby nearly had a heart attack and has upped the budget by a million percent.

So all good , actually.

Hee hee hee

Truly did not orchestrate this.

Is good for The Hubby to see how I have suffered while he has been drinking Guinness in Dublin.

Good solution

Better than spitting your gum on the floor....

Too Hot

Instructions on how to manage hot weather!

It is very hot though...all jokes aside.

Too hot for me.

Elephant Auction

Apart from the fact that the tickets cost £75 which is why I didn't go...

£155 000 for the Jack Vettriano Ellie...£40 000 for the Taxi Ellie The Gorgeous Son and I liked and had our pic taken in front of, I just KNEW there was no fucking way I could bid for an elephant when bloody Goldie Horn and the ugly princesses all were bidding...

There are still some available online for bidding, the leftover kak elephants that nobody wanted....starting at about £5000...............................

Football Fail

Could anything sum it up more than this?

Discarded amongst the cigarette butts at the side of the road...........