Growing Old Together

This is a thing.

Everyone that proposes in spectacular fashion, in flash mobs, at weddings, they all say "I want to grow old with you"

Very romantic

But, they have no idea.

Growing old together, yes, it's lovely.

It means  that you are not the only person who is a bit mad.

This is our morning conversation.

Every day

Doesn't matter who says what..it's interchangeable...

What day is it?

Wednesday.

No, can't be Wednesday, last night was American life. 

Must be Tuesday..

Tuesday? Wasn't it Great British Bake Off. Last night?

No, it was Downton Abbey.

Must be Monday?

Day established.....

What date is it?

24th? 27th

Dr Lauren was here on Thursday, what date was that?

( I count on my fingers , The Hubby  counts  in his head)

Once we have established the day and date...

How did you sleep?

Now, there is a competition to see who slept worse.

I woke up at 3

You were snoring

I was hot

You were taking up the whole bed

I had a nightmare ( going into detail if dream was interesting)

Needed to pee

You left a light on

You didn't bring water upstairs

Ah! The Romance! 

But, best to be old together.

On your own, this would truly be a bit mad.

Murder Most Fowl

I set up the wee house for Sonic, filled with straw, in a nice quiet spot...hoping he would hibernate there. 

The house has a removable slat on the roof allowing a peek inside.

I peeked.

To my absolute horror, inside the wee house was not Sonic, peacefully hibernating, but a DEAD BIRD.

I feel terrible.

Alison Bruce, author extraordinaire

Well, who knew?

It has taken this book to finally make me bond with Cambridge.

I realise that I know, and indeed , like the place much better than I thought.

I went to see Alison Bruce at the library in Fulbourne, which is a village very near to us, and what a fab evening.

Way way nicer library than ours, quite charmingly run by volunteers, self funded, but so many activities.

Nice people. 

They had wine.

Regular readers of my blog may recall the " Fuck  these Village People " episode.

Episodes , to be honest.

Not that I am taking it back..just that it doesn't apply to These Village People.

Anyway...

I have been to many book signing/talks, but can honestly say that Alison Bruce speaks so well, so - sharingly- if that is actually a word, that I think we could have listened to her for hours. 

Any other would be writers may know what I mean when I say some authors make you want to go home and slit your wrists and bleed to death over your own manuscript.

Not this one. 

I do realise that I will never write as well as she does (her research is impeccable, her descriptions- well, suffice to say I now never need to attend a post mortem, I was there in the pages of her book, so real that I could  feel the chill in the air and hear the cutting of the flesh, yes, it was that good.

I know that I will never be as nice as she is. (That ship has sailed!)

If I can write half as well and be half as nice, I think I may be in with a chance.

I told Dr Lauren that I felt I was bonding with Cambridge.

She said something along the lines of " About bloody time, thank christ, " and other dark mutterings accompanied by rolling of the eyes and sighs.

So, if you would like a real view of Cambridge, unadulterated by my moans and groans, a virtual tour of the places I have neglected to describe adequately in the past...but with a bit of murder most foul thrown in, read these books! 

Of course, you could just wait until I murder someone. 

One of the Fucking Village People.

The Saga of the Electric Toothbrush

Dr Lauren and Darling Simon gave us an electric toothbrush.

This was due to the fact that we said we didn't have one, not due to any personal hygiene problems pointed out to us by aforementioned children.

Attenborough could have made a full length documentary on us.

We were like monkeys.

We shook  it, we held it upside down.

We put it onto the charger, we took it off.

We shook both the toothbrush and the charger.

We wiggled the plug, plugged it in and out of the socket at least ten times.

We poked our fingers into the place where the cable entered the charger.

We pressed all the buttons.

Repeatedly.

For some odd reason we did this both with the brush attatchment and without it.

We dropped it at least three times.

We did this by passing it between us, all the time making noises expressing puzzlement .

We plugged it in on the landing, and then again in the kitchen.

We took the toothbrush off the stand, placed it on the battery recycle gadget at the back of the stand and waved it around, again making puzzled noises and raising our eyebrows.

The Hubby then had an epiphany. 

We bought a new adapter.

Plugged it into the new adapter...it works!

The light came on 

We cheered...I think I may have also jumped up and down and clapped my hands, just a bit.

This morning there was an anguished yelling from the bathroom.

Thinking The Hubby at the very least had slit his throat whilst shaving , I ran to the bathroom.

He doesn't like the toothbrush.

Apparently it wasn't what he expected and his whole mouth is numb now.

Lordy.

Council affairs

So...very interesting. 

At the focus group, everything the council pays for was laid out.

Health and safety, environmental affairs, community work.

We worked in groups, allocating what was most important.

For me, I love Health  and Safety.

 Coming from a country where it is not an issue, I love it! I dont care how mad they get, how over the top, it is so very important.

Also, I love Protecting the Environment.

I like assisting the elderly and disabled.

I like community development.

So..where do we make cuts?

At the end of the group, they gave us all these departments, gave us points, and asked what we would cut.

Very very hard.

Do we cut Helping the Elderly?

Removing graffiti?

Maintaining parks and child friendly areas?

Community functions?

CCTV?

Homeless issues?

Libraries?

Refuse removal/ recycling?

Tourists?

Public toilets?

Was very very hard.

I have a real respect for our councillors .

No wonder they paid me £40

I was exhausted! 

Adventures in Cambridge

Well, indeed , what a night.

Was approached at the bus stop some time ago , and asked if I would take part in a survey about council spending.

In the spirit of bonding with Cambridge, I said yes.

Was duly given a time and date to attend the meeting.

And indeed, would be paid £40 for doing this.

As the time approached, I became apprehensive.

I asked Dr Lauren if I would perhaps be kidnapped by a cult.

She thinks I am mad anyway, but assured me that this was highly unlikely.

So off I went.

Bear in mind that my night vision is rubbish.

Google maps showed me that it was pretty easy to get there.

Sat Nav bitch, had other ideas.

Instead of taking me on the way  suggested by google maps, it took me on the A14 , had no idea where I was going, especially seeing as the fecking Tom Tom fell off the windscreen on the way there.

Had no idea where I was once I got  there.

Fabulous fabulous evening. 

Started at 8 and was going to last for 2 hours, I thought " Bloody  hell, this is going to be a nightmare..."

 Not so! It was fabulously fascinating.

Indeed, tomorrow I will dedicate an entire blog to the experience.

But for now, I am just going to have a bitch.

Apart from the fact that I had no idea where I was, I rested assured in the fact I could get home.

Put "home" into the Sat Nav.

Did not take me home 

Took me into the middle of fecking nowhere .

Also , the volume disappeared and the Sat Nav thing fell off the windscreen.

The Hubby had made the decision that it is a bad idea to put Home into your Sat Nav as Home.

So, here is me, with feck all night vision ( thank you early laser surgery)

Put in"Home"

Drive.

Sat Nav Bitch says.."you have reached your destination" 

No, I have not!

I was halfway to Ely.

I am VERY CROSS.

Especially when I got home and and the Hubby laughed.

Still and all, it was an interesting evening and I got £40. 

Mad

I would have happily done it for free.

Apart from the Sat Nav Thing.

Coupons r us

My whole shopping experience has changed. Tesco tracks my shopping due to the fact that I scan and shop. So, I get sent coupons that relate to the stuff I buy. 

I also get cash back.

So, on a big weekly shop I get about £10 refund, plus the £15 coupons I get  monthly.

I realise this may be no big  surprise to Pom readers , but may be interesting to Saffa readers. 

Probably still a tad annoying if I am in front of the queue with my million billion coupons....

But, at the scan and shop thing , not ever much of a queue.

Boring? 

Perhaps, but we all have to eat! 

Amazon is cool

I love amazon.co.uk.

Truly I do.

I do an unbelievable amount of shopping via amazon.

Birthday gifts? No prob, gift wrapped with message, delivered no mess no fuss.

Kindle books appear in less than a second.

Odd books I look for are available at 1p plus delivery.

Clothes? Fabulous , no need to go to shops and try them on in fitting rooms.

Sending stuff to SA..no prob! 

In all the 4 years I have dealt with them, I have had only 2 occaisions to call them about a problem.

First time, I was amazed to be speaking to a Saffa...they have a call centre in the City Bowl in Cape Town. who knew? 

(Well, actually The Hubby knew this)

So , we had a lovely chat, solved the really very small issue...fabulous.

I had occaision to call them again yesterday about an order I placed that didn't go through for some odd reason.

Again, solved with no hassle at all.

This time it was a call centre in Ireland.

By the end of the conversation you would swear I had been born in Dublin. I got more and more Irish as the conversation progressed, I think I stopped just short of saying " Begorrah"

I really truly hope they did not tape the call for training purposes.

So now I have a months free trial with free delivery ( I have already had four free deliveries) 

£49 a year. This includes special next day delivery on any order. Next Day! It is amazing. Indeed I am going to send everyone I know a wee parcel.

(Hope The Hubby is not reading this ) 

The nice Irish guy said to me at least three times, " if you at any time find this not to be cost effective for you, contact me immediately so that you will not be billed for the service if you don't want to continue" 

 To which I replied " aye, sure I will and all" 

Bloody hell.