Bus trip

I had occasion to go into town today to sort out my new iPhone, kindly donated to me by Dr Lauren seeing as she has a new iPhone 5 

Took all day, Lordy! 

But anyway almost done.

Spent quite a while on the bus, and have noted something.

The ordinary folk,  stylish folk, everday Cambridge folk, these are the ones who never speak to me.

Those would be the Village People previously mentioned in other blogs .

The really odd people with  tattoos on their faces, wearing interesting clothes, truly alarming headgear, 

sporting  injuries of a distressing nature, those are the people that speak to me.

I have decided this is due to my mad hair.

And my Saffa Accent which I thought I had lost, but apparently not, as pointed out to me on the bus today by a young man who had a snake tattooed on his face.

Baby B

Well, will you look at that! 

Bethany Rose, after keeping us waiting , eventually arrived! 

Dr Lauren didn't actually tell me that she had gone into hospital 2 days prior to the birth, so that I wouldn't faff.

Really? Me? Faff? 

She and Darling Simon are just lovely parents indeed, and The Gorgeous Son has put his photography skills to amazing use.

I have learnt to say Buggy and not pram or push chair.

Can't bring myself to say Nursery instead of Nursery School.

Do see the sense in saying Johnson's Oil , not Baby Oil ( as in olive oil made from olives, peanut oil made from peanuts ... baby oil made from....

Same for powder, which, by the way is Verboten...as is alcohol swabbing of the cord, baths for new babies, sitz baths for moms and supplementary feeds by bottle. 

They use a syringe. Why did we never think of that? Nipple confusion is a Big Thing.

She is just lovely.

Xmas is coming....

Shocking news...with all the Xmas mail, it is taking TWO DAYS for a first class parcel to arrive...and THREE for a second class.

Even Amazon's one day delivery is taking more than one day.

I was in the local Post Office to send a  few parcels, the queue was about...at worst...10 minutes.

The old chap behind me moaned non stop.

Haven't queued like this since the war!

This would never happen in France (?)

This is what happens when foreigners run the post office

 ( Bangladeshi family who have lived here for 25 years!)

Country is going to the dogs.

I was pretty well behaved for the first 8 minutes, then I told him how it worked in third world countries.

That it was no use bitching about the end of two deliveries a day.

That a ten minute queue was nothing.

And why didn't he move to France.

I said all this very nicely, in a quiet, polite, but probably awfully sarcastic manner.

I then looked on aghast as he shoplifted about 7 items.

He was old.

I didn't want him to be arrested.

I offered the foreign Bangladeshi very nice friendly owner who is always pleasant to me £10 after he had left the shop.

She just smiled.

Said "it's OK" 

RIP Madiba

I feel so very very sad today.

I feel very very far away from South Africa.

Of course, all the family, and Facebook friends and so on...but for me, the worst  thing was going to Tesco, and truly being the only sad person there.

I know it  sounds really pathetic, but I wanted to say... " I AM VERY SAD " 

If I was in South Africa, in Pick and Pay, we would have all been sad together.

Instead, I am home alone, watching Johnny Clegg and crying by myself.

And nobody in Tesco gives a damn . 

Well, indeed, why would they? 

Crazy...I am remembering voting in the first elections, voting ANC in the  Free State, one of very few white people in the four hour queue!

I saw Madiba .

 Just once, but isn't that all you need? 

Baby Watch

Any minute now, I may become an Ouma (Grandma, Nanna, for my Pom Friends)

We are last days down on Baby Watch.

So far, this is what we know...

Baby is a girl!

This is what she looks like....

Thank you " Meet your baby.com 4 D "

We are very excited! 

I always hoped that I would have a brief moment since Dr Lauren was 4 years old that I may know more than her, that when she had a baby she may turn to her mommy for help, wisdom and advice.

Not so much.

It's a bugger having a child who is a doctor specialising in obs and gynae.

Perhaps she will not be so specialised in sleep deprivation.

Surely I must have some input? 

I was a specialist La leche ( damn! Why can I never put the dashes over the e?) consultant for 4 years? 

This seems to count for nothing.

Bugger.

Anyway, we are very excited. 

Thanks to Little Hero Photography...

Baby will be the  most photographed babba ever 

 

Waiting waiting waiting for baby...

Lovely London and Everything Else

I have shamefully neglected this blog, but as I have said before...I am becoming so much of a Pom that there is not quite so much to note anymore.

I shall cover many aspects of Life and Pomdom in this update.

First....

Lovely lovely London...The Fourth Plinth. 

Almost time for the next exhibit, so, luckily saw this one on time.

Large Blue Cock.

Lordy!

Weather update.

Absolutely unbelievable and amazing. 

Blue skies! No snow! No wind! No rain!

(No more exclamation points please.)

The Gorgeous Son, whom we obviously saw on the London Trip.

He has a New Pom Girlfriend.

We have not met her thus far.

Was beginning to wonder if perhaps there was something seriously wrong with her .

But , just as well we didn't meet her this weekend.

The Hubby accidently shaved his eyebrows off with his new beard trimmer.

(Don't even ask)

I was attacked (again) by the Bad Packing Fairy , making me look like a bag lady in mismatching clothes and shoes.

So, just as well as it happens, that The New Pom Girlfriend was otherwise engaged.

The main reason for a The Great London Weekend was a trip The Royal Albert Hall to see Jools  Holland.

It was fabulous.

We stayed in a very fancy schmancy hotel and took loads of taxis.

With Jools Holland, was ( thank goodness, very briefly) Mel C

Now, I am not an expert on the Spice Girls per se, but we all know Posh Spice, Baby Spice, Scary Spice...who remembers this one? 

She was terrible, and it was reported the next day in the press that she wore an "elegant one piece lace jumpsuit "

Rubbish.

It was a pyjama onesie.

But, apart from that , was a fantastic show.

Never ever seen piano playing like that before. 

Ever.

Loved it! 

Hee hee

Weather

It is 4.30

This is a photo taken from my back door.

Now, I know that anyone living in any European country would not find this interesting or noteworthy in any way, it is still a shock to saffas. 

Especially me.

I must say that it is not cold. Halfway through November, and is still t shirt weather during the day.

Day ending at 4 o clock, I hasten to add.

Gravity

I do love movies.

Mostly any movies, horror movies not so much, twighlight  movies...no, I think not, Sci Fi movies...sometimes.

So, Gravity.

Sure you have read the wonderful reviews.

Here is mine.

First of all, it is a big amazing deal for me to see a 3 D movie.

I have only ever seen 2 so far, and there was just me and the children in the cinema oohing and aahing and trying to catch objects , and ducking and diving as they came towards us.

The Hubby could die of embarrassment.

So, Back to Gravity.

3D...10 out of 10

Plot:

Suffice to say that at one stage I actually wished that Sandra Bullock would die.

Reality:

Ha ha ha ha ha 

Let nobody ever tell me ever again that one of my favourite movies, Air Force One , is far fetched.

Or that Olympus Has Fallen is far  fetched

Friendly Folk

Well, seeing as The Hubby has a contract that requires him taking the car to work every day, I walk everywhere, which is A Good Thing.

So, I walk to Tesco (about ten mins each way) 

Or, I walk to the village (20 mins each way  if I am brisk about it)

So, I have lived here coming up to 2 years.

Today was a Good Day.

FOUR...yes, FOUR people actually spoke to me.

Two of these were in the VillageTesco, one was in the post office, and one was in the charity shop.

This is a breakthrough

Fuck these Village  People.

I will break them eventually.

I speak to these people. Mostly they ignore me.

I must say that I do not  speak to them in a mad way...I just say things like : "super weather for November " or " gosh, such a queue today " or " please go ahead of me in the queue" or "fuck you Village People" 

( no, I actually never say that :) 

I do think it all the time though.

How hard can it be to be nice?!

When I go up to Leeds to see Dr Lauren, everyone is nice and friendly.

When I go up to London to see The Gorgeous Son, everyone is nice and friendly.

Come back to Cambridge and they are RUBBISH.

The one exception is Tim The Optician

He is the nicest nice person in the world of nice 

I love him.

I almost wish I had terrible eye problems so that I could consult him every week.

Indeed, if eyes were available on the NHS I would become a stalker and an everyday patient.

I think his wife is his receptionist. She is lovely as well.

And I think his mum is his other receptionist? I love her too.

In the interests of human interaction, the Mad Plymouth Brethren that shout and carry on outside Dear Tim The Optitian's Shop...I did tell them that they were Odd  and Doomed  and Mad.

They took it quite well  I thought.

Growing Old Together

This is a thing.

Everyone that proposes in spectacular fashion, in flash mobs, at weddings, they all say "I want to grow old with you"

Very romantic

But, they have no idea.

Growing old together, yes, it's lovely.

It means  that you are not the only person who is a bit mad.

This is our morning conversation.

Every day

Doesn't matter who says what..it's interchangeable...

What day is it?

Wednesday.

No, can't be Wednesday, last night was American life. 

Must be Tuesday..

Tuesday? Wasn't it Great British Bake Off. Last night?

No, it was Downton Abbey.

Must be Monday?

Day established.....

What date is it?

24th? 27th

Dr Lauren was here on Thursday, what date was that?

( I count on my fingers , The Hubby  counts  in his head)

Once we have established the day and date...

How did you sleep?

Now, there is a competition to see who slept worse.

I woke up at 3

You were snoring

I was hot

You were taking up the whole bed

I had a nightmare ( going into detail if dream was interesting)

Needed to pee

You left a light on

You didn't bring water upstairs

Ah! The Romance! 

But, best to be old together.

On your own, this would truly be a bit mad.

Murder Most Fowl

I set up the wee house for Sonic, filled with straw, in a nice quiet spot...hoping he would hibernate there. 

The house has a removable slat on the roof allowing a peek inside.

I peeked.

To my absolute horror, inside the wee house was not Sonic, peacefully hibernating, but a DEAD BIRD.

I feel terrible.

Alison Bruce, author extraordinaire

Well, who knew?

It has taken this book to finally make me bond with Cambridge.

I realise that I know, and indeed , like the place much better than I thought.

I went to see Alison Bruce at the library in Fulbourne, which is a village very near to us, and what a fab evening.

Way way nicer library than ours, quite charmingly run by volunteers, self funded, but so many activities.

Nice people. 

They had wine.

Regular readers of my blog may recall the " Fuck  these Village People " episode.

Episodes , to be honest.

Not that I am taking it back..just that it doesn't apply to These Village People.

Anyway...

I have been to many book signing/talks, but can honestly say that Alison Bruce speaks so well, so - sharingly- if that is actually a word, that I think we could have listened to her for hours. 

Any other would be writers may know what I mean when I say some authors make you want to go home and slit your wrists and bleed to death over your own manuscript.

Not this one. 

I do realise that I will never write as well as she does (her research is impeccable, her descriptions- well, suffice to say I now never need to attend a post mortem, I was there in the pages of her book, so real that I could  feel the chill in the air and hear the cutting of the flesh, yes, it was that good.

I know that I will never be as nice as she is. (That ship has sailed!)

If I can write half as well and be half as nice, I think I may be in with a chance.

I told Dr Lauren that I felt I was bonding with Cambridge.

She said something along the lines of " About bloody time, thank christ, " and other dark mutterings accompanied by rolling of the eyes and sighs.

So, if you would like a real view of Cambridge, unadulterated by my moans and groans, a virtual tour of the places I have neglected to describe adequately in the past...but with a bit of murder most foul thrown in, read these books! 

Of course, you could just wait until I murder someone. 

One of the Fucking Village People.

The Saga of the Electric Toothbrush

Dr Lauren and Darling Simon gave us an electric toothbrush.

This was due to the fact that we said we didn't have one, not due to any personal hygiene problems pointed out to us by aforementioned children.

Attenborough could have made a full length documentary on us.

We were like monkeys.

We shook  it, we held it upside down.

We put it onto the charger, we took it off.

We shook both the toothbrush and the charger.

We wiggled the plug, plugged it in and out of the socket at least ten times.

We poked our fingers into the place where the cable entered the charger.

We pressed all the buttons.

Repeatedly.

For some odd reason we did this both with the brush attatchment and without it.

We dropped it at least three times.

We did this by passing it between us, all the time making noises expressing puzzlement .

We plugged it in on the landing, and then again in the kitchen.

We took the toothbrush off the stand, placed it on the battery recycle gadget at the back of the stand and waved it around, again making puzzled noises and raising our eyebrows.

The Hubby then had an epiphany. 

We bought a new adapter.

Plugged it into the new adapter...it works!

The light came on 

We cheered...I think I may have also jumped up and down and clapped my hands, just a bit.

This morning there was an anguished yelling from the bathroom.

Thinking The Hubby at the very least had slit his throat whilst shaving , I ran to the bathroom.

He doesn't like the toothbrush.

Apparently it wasn't what he expected and his whole mouth is numb now.

Lordy.

Council affairs

So...very interesting. 

At the focus group, everything the council pays for was laid out.

Health and safety, environmental affairs, community work.

We worked in groups, allocating what was most important.

For me, I love Health  and Safety.

 Coming from a country where it is not an issue, I love it! I dont care how mad they get, how over the top, it is so very important.

Also, I love Protecting the Environment.

I like assisting the elderly and disabled.

I like community development.

So..where do we make cuts?

At the end of the group, they gave us all these departments, gave us points, and asked what we would cut.

Very very hard.

Do we cut Helping the Elderly?

Removing graffiti?

Maintaining parks and child friendly areas?

Community functions?

CCTV?

Homeless issues?

Libraries?

Refuse removal/ recycling?

Tourists?

Public toilets?

Was very very hard.

I have a real respect for our councillors .

No wonder they paid me £40

I was exhausted! 

Adventures in Cambridge

Well, indeed , what a night.

Was approached at the bus stop some time ago , and asked if I would take part in a survey about council spending.

In the spirit of bonding with Cambridge, I said yes.

Was duly given a time and date to attend the meeting.

And indeed, would be paid £40 for doing this.

As the time approached, I became apprehensive.

I asked Dr Lauren if I would perhaps be kidnapped by a cult.

She thinks I am mad anyway, but assured me that this was highly unlikely.

So off I went.

Bear in mind that my night vision is rubbish.

Google maps showed me that it was pretty easy to get there.

Sat Nav bitch, had other ideas.

Instead of taking me on the way  suggested by google maps, it took me on the A14 , had no idea where I was going, especially seeing as the fecking Tom Tom fell off the windscreen on the way there.

Had no idea where I was once I got  there.

Fabulous fabulous evening. 

Started at 8 and was going to last for 2 hours, I thought " Bloody  hell, this is going to be a nightmare..."

 Not so! It was fabulously fascinating.

Indeed, tomorrow I will dedicate an entire blog to the experience.

But for now, I am just going to have a bitch.

Apart from the fact that I had no idea where I was, I rested assured in the fact I could get home.

Put "home" into the Sat Nav.

Did not take me home 

Took me into the middle of fecking nowhere .

Also , the volume disappeared and the Sat Nav thing fell off the windscreen.

The Hubby had made the decision that it is a bad idea to put Home into your Sat Nav as Home.

So, here is me, with feck all night vision ( thank you early laser surgery)

Put in"Home"

Drive.

Sat Nav Bitch says.."you have reached your destination" 

No, I have not!

I was halfway to Ely.

I am VERY CROSS.

Especially when I got home and and the Hubby laughed.

Still and all, it was an interesting evening and I got £40. 

Mad

I would have happily done it for free.

Apart from the Sat Nav Thing.

Coupons r us

My whole shopping experience has changed. Tesco tracks my shopping due to the fact that I scan and shop. So, I get sent coupons that relate to the stuff I buy. 

I also get cash back.

So, on a big weekly shop I get about £10 refund, plus the £15 coupons I get  monthly.

I realise this may be no big  surprise to Pom readers , but may be interesting to Saffa readers. 

Probably still a tad annoying if I am in front of the queue with my million billion coupons....

But, at the scan and shop thing , not ever much of a queue.

Boring? 

Perhaps, but we all have to eat! 

Amazon is cool

I love amazon.co.uk.

Truly I do.

I do an unbelievable amount of shopping via amazon.

Birthday gifts? No prob, gift wrapped with message, delivered no mess no fuss.

Kindle books appear in less than a second.

Odd books I look for are available at 1p plus delivery.

Clothes? Fabulous , no need to go to shops and try them on in fitting rooms.

Sending stuff to SA..no prob! 

In all the 4 years I have dealt with them, I have had only 2 occaisions to call them about a problem.

First time, I was amazed to be speaking to a Saffa...they have a call centre in the City Bowl in Cape Town. who knew? 

(Well, actually The Hubby knew this)

So , we had a lovely chat, solved the really very small issue...fabulous.

I had occaision to call them again yesterday about an order I placed that didn't go through for some odd reason.

Again, solved with no hassle at all.

This time it was a call centre in Ireland.

By the end of the conversation you would swear I had been born in Dublin. I got more and more Irish as the conversation progressed, I think I stopped just short of saying " Begorrah"

I really truly hope they did not tape the call for training purposes.

So now I have a months free trial with free delivery ( I have already had four free deliveries) 

£49 a year. This includes special next day delivery on any order. Next Day! It is amazing. Indeed I am going to send everyone I know a wee parcel.

(Hope The Hubby is not reading this ) 

The nice Irish guy said to me at least three times, " if you at any time find this not to be cost effective for you, contact me immediately so that you will not be billed for the service if you don't want to continue" 

 To which I replied " aye, sure I will and all" 

Bloody hell. 

South African Shame

I used to love a South African FaceBook page that posted delightful nostalgic pics of years gone by.

Childhood toys, old cars, adverts, sweets and treats long forgotten, magazines, music, it was charming. Fisher price toys, old shops like John Orrs, odd food we used to eat...

Almost overnight, it changed into a bitter, nasty, rascist diatribe.

I really do not know how this happened.

My theory is that the person running it was replaced.

The way I envisioned it, there was a nice, 40 to 50  year old woman who ran the page.

Suddenly she was replaced by a 50 to 60 year old male rascist pig.

Who brought out of the woodwork all the other horrible rascist , and I mean , really dreadful idiots who have ruined this page, and quite frightened me about how there ever will be any hope between black and white in South Africa .

I have left the page.

Really, all I said was " Wow  Is this post appropriate?"

And I was shot down in flames in quite a spectacular manner.

I know that I may not have too much credibility seeing as I no longer live in South Africa.

And, believe me, I do not mean to comment on something I know nothing about, but it's not as though I left the country before  or after the free elections. Or even left for any political reason. Or know 

nothing about South Africa.  I lived there all my life.

I understand that there is freedom of speech, I understand that you shouldn't be on a page that is not aimed at you...but , fuck ,really? 

A page that is recalling memories of South Africa is just recalling white memories? 

Up until the unfortunate posting that seemed to reveal all the fuckwits who subscribed to the page, I innocently assumed that this page was for all of us. 

Well, have your stupid page to yourselves. 

My daughter always says to me " You are not the Facebook Police"

She is right.

I am not.

But sometimes, you just have to be. 

Sonic

 A very enjoyable day spent in the pet shop looking for a home for Sonic.

Looked online forever for a hedgehog home, bloody hell, they ranged from £99 for what was basically an upside down pot with a hole for a door, to £28 which was a teeny grass hut.

No good at all.

In the pet shop , although they had everything else known and unknown to man...

Like this...

And this....an edible hut?? 

Ended up buying what essentially is a small rabbit house ( sorry Sonic) but seems to be just fine.

Of course, it will not be placed on the lawn, this was just for photographic purposes.

You may note that the lawn is somewhat overgrown.

Well, yes, because it will simply not get dry enough to cut! 

I have reseeded the bits I ripped out ( moss and weeds)

Now I can't mow the fecking stuff because it will just rip this sissy baby Pom  grass out by its roots.

Come back, kikuyu grass, all is forgiven...

I digress...

So, Sonic came for his late night snack tonight, I was very excited and said

 " Look , Sonic, mamma has bought you a wee house for you to hibernate in!"

I said to The Hubby, "pick him up...pick him up and show him! "

The Hubby said something quite rude and did not pick Sonic up.

Never mind.

Tomorrow I will place the wee hibernation house, add straw ( left over from my goat recipe from Hugh Wittingstone- Twit  ( as The Hubby calls him) and have all in place for the hibernation period.

This is worrying because it is autumn and today was 20 odd degrees.

Never mind.

I did have a place in mind for the wee hibernation house, but tonight Sonic seemed to be almost making a nest in the back alley under the leaves that I have not yet swept up.

So I think I shall place the wee hibernation house there.

Whilst in the pet shop, which was FANTASTIC , I got a leaflet from a RSPC person to whom I gave a substantial amount of change 

Most helpful! 

Bless.

Also , oddly....

Why?? 

There was a really lovely rabbit , but The Hubby said NO! 

Even with insurance.

Love, actually

The Hubby and I have been married for 31 years now.

Bless, I love him.

Still make the joke that if I had killed him on our wedding night, I would be out by now...

Cousin Katy introduces her hubby as her "first husband" , just to keep him on his toes.

We all joke, secure in our love.

Dr Lauren and Darling Simon are a match made in heaven, maybe they don't even quite realise it yet...

If you are lucky enough to meet and marry the Love of your Life, it's truly wonderful. Joke all you like, but it's a rare thing to spend so many years together

My dear friend Graham has just lost his wonderful partner of 34 years.

It breaks my heart, and I cried so much when he simply said " I can't believe you aren't coming home"

Garry, I will miss you. 

Graham , I love you and wish you strength to be on your own, you and I know what a true privilege it is to be with , to love somebody and to be loved in return for so long.

I hope you don't mind me putting this on my blog, but such love is rare.

Travellers?

It was always a thing that somewhere in my past, I was related to the gypsies.

Although  now, it is not PC to say gypsy, one must say Traveller.

Anyway, I was related to gypsies in the Romany sense, and indeed, Irish Horse Thieves sense. 

Lets not pretend I am of Downton Abbey Heritage! 

My grandmother always commented that the fact I never wore shoes was due to  the "Bad Blood" 

Never bothered me, I always thought my gypsy heritage was quite charming.

Until I saw "My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding" 

Seeing as how we are not supposed to say gypsy, but anyway....that's what the programme is called.

Bloody hell! 

It is truly fascinating .  Thousands of £££'s spent on weddings, not exactly the idea I had of gypsies, but I guess times have moved on....

Biggest day of their lives,no expense spared...

Movies mean something different....

This must just be me...I don't understand this pic, courtesy of Dr Lauren.

Does it mean that if you are actually going to do drugs in the cinema , you can go to the toilets on the next level?

How do Ultra Violet lights be anti drug? 

Being a child of the seventies, the only drug I have any knowledge of is pot.

Anyone who can explain this to me?

Cousin Jane? 

Washing Blues

It is not cold enough to have the heating on. 

It is not dry enough to hang washing outside.

It is not warm enough to dry washing inside without the heating.

I am too mean to use the tumble drier.

I have discovered yet another downside to having no sense of smell.

The Hubby pointed out to me that the clothes that have been on the clothes horse for two days were starting to smell funny.

Lucky I don't live alone. 

Ducks

Well, there is The Great Cherry Hinton Festival .

Pretty cool actually, I sat on the Cherry Hinton Reading Group Stall in the Community Centre.

There is a duck race....

I have indeed bought ducks...

Good day

Indeed, sometimes I am just a genius.

So, wanting to make peanut butter cookies for Dr  Lauren, bless....

Download recipe to ipad.

Take screenshot

Print, from ipad, miraculously, absolutely amazing, I love it!

Load shopping list to Tesco, all done with scanning. 

List is organised before I get to  the shop

Post.

Actually post cookies.

Only takes a day!

Wow! 

Neighbourhood Watch

I love the neighbour who lives behind us.

I have never met him, have no idea what he looks like...but he has a dog called Lucy, and he loves her so much.

He has an incredibly LOUD voice , and a very strong accent..not quite London, not from the North..but I think somewhere close to London.

He swears like a trooper.

He also, to my delight, not only talks to Lucy, but sings songs to her.

There is the "I Love Lucy " song

I love Lucy

Yes I do

Even when she does a poo.

There is the "dinner time " song

Lucy Lucy lucky you

Here is dinner just for you

These lines are sung at least 5 times each, with a variety of variations.

Then there are the long conversations explaining why she has to have a bath, why he is going out, why she is a rubbish guard dog...all very amusing.

I thought he was quite an old guy, but no, he is 45. 

I know this because he told Lucy.

I can't see him because our back fence is quite high. I have no idea what kind of dog Lucy is, but I never hear her bark or whine, I am guessing Labrador.

Our neighbourhood is odd.

There are some very nice detached houses. Some quite nice semi detached (that would be ours) and some yucky semi detached,  all these within the same area.

(For the Saffas, the worst, absolute worst house in the area sells for £235 000)

The streets wind around with no grid system at all. 

I went for a walk, had only travelled about 10 minutes and bloody hell, was in a strange area with actual street urchins.

Urchins....I swear to god.

Health and safety gone mad

Made me laugh....

Scandal/Skande

Due to a severe lack of real crime in our area, headlines in the paper can be fun.

A local vicar caused a storm that raged for weeks....

Mystery

Indeed , this is a mystery to me.

This week , I have ironed three times,but somehow, I still have THIS

So , how is it possible that 2 people have so much ironing ?

When I say 2 people, there is only one person actually doing the ironing.

Still and all, I am saying nothing to The Hubby.

The last time I commented that it was a wonderful thing that he just dropped his clothes on the floor and they appeared like magic, once more replenished...he said: " Much like you and the Bank Account"

Ouch.

Candy Crush

I make no excuses for my gaming addiction. I have been playing computer games since 1986 when there were actually no graphics involved, or a mouse...or sound...I love my games.

The Gorgeous Son played games from being 3 years old, due to Bad Influence from his mother.

But Candy Crush! 

In the light of other games I have played , it is quite simple. I played Venture with no graphics, The Famous Brother and me mapping our progress on graph paper. 

Leisure Suit Larry, Kings Quest, Police  Quest, Lemmings...I played them all.

Just to let you know what a serious Candy Crush Addict I am, I am on level 382.

Darling Simon  plays really serious games. There is going to be a problem because Baby 1.0 arrives at the same time as the PS 4.

Even Plants vs Zombies 2 is paling into insignificance next to my Candy Crush Addiction.

Hay Day has been abandoned.

Only a new Chicken Invaders may lure me away ......

Great British Bake Off

What a wonderful programme this is, thank you Dr Lauren for making me watch it!

I know I haven't blogged for ages, but nothing new or exciting has happened, and I am getting so used to being a Pom that I thought there were few surprises left.

Well, I was wrong.

The Great British Bake off has surprised and educated me in Pom Baking.

Firstly, all my life , I have thought this was a muffin.

Apparently not

This is a muffin

Well, who knew? Thinking about it now, my kind of muffin would have been quite an exotic item for The Muffin Man to sell on the streets of Olde London.

And in the same vein, I always thought this was  a flapjack

No...This is a flapjack

This, which I have hitherto known as a crunchie

Today I bought muffins in Tesco. They seem to be a cross between a bread roll and a scone.

Rolled in semolina I believe.

Will give it a try .

Wonderful Wimbledon

It's my favourite time of the year again!

Such a joy and a privilege to actually be able to GO to Wimbledon.

Not that I am  greedy about it...no indeed!

I do not camp out overnight and queue for hours  for the limited tickets for courts 1 , 2 and 3 at discount prices.

£58 ( first days) £ 130 ( last days) 

 

I go  around lunch time, queue for an enjoyable hour or so, and pay £17 .

This gets me into the grounds , and  any match (space allowing) on courts 4 to 18.

It's enough for me! 

I will never be able to afford to pay the thousands and thousands of £'s for finals tickets.

£28 000 for this years men's finals I think.

At 5 pm, there are the resale tickets, £5, which goes to charity, that's how I got to see Federer in the quarter finals on centre court . Worth queuing for. Of course, not too many people put the final days tickets up for resale! Not impossible though, emergency for a doctor, death in the family, house burning down...it happens...

This year, I saw Martina Navratilova on court 18.

She was playing doubles with Pam Shriver in the women's invitation.

If I never get to go to Wimbledon again, I will die happy. 

Tennis wise, seeing Martina  is all I have ever wanted. I love her.

Not in a mad stalker way. Just in if she ever asked, I would leave The Hubby for her way.

Of course, the other 38 000 people in the grounds were on Henman  Hill watching Murray.

I don't like Murray. I think he is petulant. 

The Hubby laughs at me, because Murray can do nothing right in my eyes. And admittedly, I do go on about him a bit. Ok, quite a lot. At home. 

Boy oh boy...never say this to The Great Pom Public.

All I said ( in the corner shop) was that I thought he would have a hard time beating Novak Djokovic.

I didn't even start the conversation. 

It was like a pack of hyenas turning on me.

For a brief moment, I contemplated saying that I thought he was a sissy whiny crybaby.

Sanity prevailed and I left while the going was good. 

I don't not like him because he is a Pom.

I was happy ( for Britain, not him) when he won at the Olympics.

I didn't like Boris because he always spat on court.

I didn't like Wayne Ferreira because he, like Murray , was always a bridesmaid .

I didn't like anyone who beat Martina. 

Nothing to do with nationality.

I actually have a very vague idea of where Serbia  is, but I like Novak because he is a good player with a good attitude.

I think it is fantastic the way the Poms get behind their players. 

Good for them.

I just don't think Murray will win. 

If he does, I will post an apology on twitter, how's that? 

Wimbledon is a very personal experience for me. 

Best I keep enjoying it by myself! 

I don't even play tennis.

I once lived in Welkom

Indeed I did once live in Welkom. 

For those of my blog readers not in the know, it is a gold mining town right in the middle of South Africa.

Set up and laid out by Ernest Oppenheimer who said at the time, that the gold would last 50 years.

And that's exactly what happened.

50 years is over now.

We lived in Welkom  for 12  years, it was a wonderful experience for us.

Good schools, good lifestyle, nice people.

Amazingly cosmopolitan.

It's sad that Welkom is now in a decline, but there was always a sell by date. 

It was  an interesting time indeed.

We survived a tornado, earthquakes, floods, droughts and fires.

Dust storms and hailstorms, escaped rhinos, it was an interesting life! 

For The Famous Brother, who started his career in Welkom, couldn't have been better! 

There is a Facebook page called , indeed, "I Once Lived in Welkom. "

A very nice member of the group takes the time to post the weather report.

 I know, and indeed knew when I lived there, that it gets very cold and very hot.

But now that I live in the UK...

From 1 degree to 22 degrees is OUR  ENTIRE year's weather! 

Not just all in one day! 

Bloody hell.

The only thing that consoles me is that we now have central heating and double glazing.

We did not have this in Welkom when it was -5 and we got dressed in our beds with the electric blanket switched on.....

Many friends from Welkom are in the UK now.

If  I think back,  I think our time in Welkom was amazing.

Sonic the Hedgehog

This is Dear  Sonic . He has taken to visiting the garden every evening around 6.

Of course, I have been feeding him, he is too cute for words. 

He creeps under the back gate, ambles up the path, climbs up onto the deck and eats his dinner.

The Hubby and I are quite charmed by him.

However, The Hubby is at the shops at the minute.

Sonic arrived, and against the express wishes of The Hubby , I thought I might just try and pick Sonic up.

I don't know why I thought this would be a good idea. 

This is what I have learnt today.

Those prickles are really really sharp.

Multi purpose vinyl household gloves are no good, although I did only use them for hygienic purposes.

Luckily, because , yes, hedgehogs are covered in fleas. 

This hedgehog weighs about the same as a brick. 

So now I have three bleeding fingertips, a flea that ran up my arm and a cross hedgehog.

All those sites I googled that said they were lovely and made good pets and could be trained to use a litterbox and would SIT ON YOUR KNEE....they have not seen Sonic. 

He is HUGE.

In future I shall just watch him.

Give me a squirrel any day.

Summer!

And,suddenly summer!

See? It's not good to  complain about the weather.

Just wait long enough......

Today was good.

I decided not to be such a sissy baby and actually went to the dry cleaners and just pretended I had not made a terrible faux pas and was embarrassed.

The dry cleaners in turn pretended that I was not mad.

So, all good. I can go back again.

The car stalled and flashed terrible red warning lights, but when I came home (carefully) and phoned Merc, they said not to worry , was probably just a glitch.

So , good there too.

Couldn't ask The Hubby as he is still on Jury Duty and totally uncontactable.

Jury Duty means that I can actually clean his Bat Cave. (AKA The Study) 

Good there too.

What a day! 

Yay! 

Now I can go  and iron and watch The Jeremy Kyle Show without The Hubby Tut tutting at me.

Stupid show , I know, but gives me great insight into Pom Culture and requires not too much attention, which is good, as my iron makes loud steamy swooshing noises.

Happy Tuesday Everyone! 

Summer?

It is cold. It is cloudy. It is windy. In short, it is not summer.

Not even close.

So, in view of this crap weather, we are watching the ENTIRE series of Vikings on love film.

Love film is not great, but to be honest, it's not all that bad.

We have a special deal, 3 months trial for £4.99

This allows us , if nothing else to watch Dexter, Vikings and other movies and (older) boxed sets.

The Hubby has gone out to buy popcorn, water and something for supper.

Am considering getting the TV blanket back down from the loft.

Ha ha ha

Heinz means beanz

I love these.

Not that I particularly like baked beans, but The Hubby does.

So, small enough portion, pop in the microwave for 1 min, no mess no fuss,no waste, no can opener...

£2

Priceless

Please note, Dr Lauren, reduced sugar and salt.

Although I do cover them with pepper.

Sunday Rant

On my walk to the shop today, I saw a car with the most stupid baby on board sign. I wish I had been able to take a photo of it. It was pink and fluffy and had the writing embroidered, looked like a toy.

A bit like this equally stupid one

A Baby on Board sign should look like this

It is on your car to alert emergency people in the event of a bad accident that they should look for a baby.

It is not there to announce that you actually have a baby girl , or to make other drivers drive more carefully around you. It also should not be stuck on your window to obscure your view.

Anyone buying gifts for my new grandchild had better run them past me first! 

Adverts

When I first came to the UK I was not at all  impressed with their adverts.

I missed the Saffa adverts, especially the Nandos ads .

I know Nandos is in the UK as well, but it is really not the same thing at all. And there are no Nandos ads on TV or radio here.

At all . Ever .

But never mind.  More to life than Nandos, and actually, I don't eat chicken anyway.

Either I have become a Pom ( probably) or the ads have improved. ( probably not)

The Specsaver  ads  crack me up. They are so funny. 

I seem to spend  my life saying " Should  have gone to Specsavers"

Although every TV ad is hysterical....

My best one is a radio ad.

So, it is about breakfast.

The guy comes in for a special breakfast that he has seen advertised. 

Full English.

This is what he says to the waitress:

 Guy : Is there no bacon?

Waitress : No,  that's extra

Guy : No Sausage, beans...mushrooms?

Waitress: Sorry darling, no 

( we have very lovely and polite waitrons here) 

( they don't ever call them waitrons actually )

Guy: No toast? 

Waitress : No....

Guy: This is just an egg.

Should have gone to Specsavers.

At this point  I laugh and laugh until The Hubby rolls his eyes and leaves the  room.

It is on the radio everyday.

Never gets old! 

Even writing this is making me laugh my head off! 

This is just an egg!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha 

Dry Cleaning

This was the conversation today in the Dry Cleaners.

There was me, and them. 

Them being two women, who, as it turns out, are sisters.

Me:   I see you are now open on a Wednesday, and have a new name , are you under new           management? 

Them:  Yes , we are!  Open all week now. 

Then , various chit chatting ensued.

Me:  Well,  this is most pleasant! So nice to chat! Must be all new staff as well, as before now, nobody has been very friendly.

Them: (looking confused). Oh no, same staff...

Me:     ( back peddling  big time) No, have never seen you two before, usually older lady? Grumpy? Not chatty? 

Them:  That is our mum.

From now on, The Hubby gets to take his own Dry Cleaning in. I am never going there again.

Also, obviously on a roll today, it was not actually Reading Group, that would be the SECOND Thursday of the month.

On the upside, taking books back into the charity shop, they still have the "Fill a bag for £5 " special.

So, I took 6 books in, came out with 11.

Hello *warmer* weather

Today I saw a swallow. I was quite excited, until, unbidden, into my head , came the warning ...

"One swallow doth not a summer make"

Aristotle.

Don't be too impressed, I thought it was Shakespeare, I had to google it.

I have spent the rest of today looking for more swallows, but alas, nope.

Nonetheless, it has been a lovely day.

I mowed the lawns and trimmed the edges.

Trimmed the edges by hand because I am still scared of that strimmer that nearly amputated my leg.

Also, again, mowed the neighbour's  half of the lawn.

For my Saffa readers, I know this sounds odd, but in a semi detached, one often shares a piece of lawn.

I also edged and weeded his half.

Mainly because it seems ridiculous to just do half of a garden, also because he doesn't do it and it looks like shit.

Dr Lauren says that I am NOT the garden police.

( I am also not the Facebook police, the Bus Timetable  Police or the Waitress  Police)

I still go with " If you do not tell them, how will they know?"

Don't tell her that.

She is in a delicate condition.

Ouma

Indeed, I am going to be an Ouma! 

Dr Lauren and Darling Simon are pregnant.

I have known this FOREVER, Dr Lauren skyped me and  showed me the Pee Stick.

It has nearly killed me not to tell everyone in the  world.

We are so very excited! 

Sadly, Dr Lauren does not like my name suggestions.

Jerusha , I think, is a lovely name. It is the name of the main  character in Daddy Long Legs

Aisling, also  I like.  Madison. Wakefield . (This has been denied seeing as Wakefield is a town close to where Dr Lauren lives, fair enough. )

Any names, if you can add  " En Vennote "  after the name, "and associates "  , for the 

Poms,  these would be bad names.

So. Madison Doy "en vennote"

Wakefield Doy "en vennote" 

Not doing well so far.

But , still, so very excited! 

Anyway, so far, the baby scan photo looks just like me! 

Movies

We have been married for 30years.

In these 30 years, we have been to the cinema..what? 

1000  times?

Too much?

500 times? 

We always go way way early, which I hate. I hate the adverts. I hate the trailers. I hate sitting waiting for the adverts and trailers to start.

Ideally, I would like to arrive in a darkened cinema, one minute before the movie starts.

Ideally, The Hubby likes to be in the cinema at least 15 minutes before the adverts start.

I have always, but always, finished my popcorn before the main feature is even near starting.

ONCE, just ONCE in these 30 years, have we arrived late.

We missed the first 5 minutes of Apollo 13

The Hubby has never forgiven me. 

It ruined the whole movie for him.

Now we go early every bloody time.

And we have to stay till the very very last credit has rolled.

I am a saint, let me tell you.

Totes Amazeballs

Birthday card that I bought...I must admit that I do love the way new words and phrases enter our vocab.

 I love  "Well  Jel "  

Even more, I love "totes emoshe" and I do use it all the time...when a movie is sad, with tears in my eyes, I look over to The Hubby, do the fanning thing, and say "totes emoshe..." 

I don't think we should be scathing of the new slang ...it's fun! 

And of course, Totes Amazeballs is my favourite! 

Not that I use any of these phrases apart from in the bosom of my family. Or in my head. Or on my blog.

Do not actually want to look like a total tit. 

Am far to old to be getting "down with the kids" 

The kids in my family would probably disown me if I was out in the street talking like a homeboy.

Still would like to go on record as being  a very cool person . And accepting of TOWIE and Chelsea phrases.

Even though I had to google the meaning of 'Reem '

Saturday Shopping

It's amazing how my shopping habits have changed.

Mainly due to lack of space, I shop almost daily, we eat all fresh, hardly any frozen or tinned .

My teeny tiny deep freeze holds the once in a blue moon pack of oven chips, and, dare I say it? 

Aunt Bessie's Yorkshire Puds.

( I hope neither MOTHER nor The Hubby read this. Or Darling Simon. he was shocked enough at the Smash and frozen roast potatoes.)

 Today, Tesco  was so busy, but due to the amazing choice of ways to pay (self scan, self serve, baskets only, tills, assisted tills, disabled tills) there is simply no queuing.

At the door there were some people handing out shopping lists for shoppers to buy and donate for "People in Crisis" 

Now, I do try very hard not to be  an annoying Saffa, which is why I say most of these things in my head, to myself, or indeed, on my blog.

I am sure there are People in Crisis, and I am sorry that there are , and I did donate some foodstuffs, 

But I want to say "Crisis? Call this a Crisis? "

Much as I try not to say such things as :

Lightning? Call this lightning?

Hailstones? Call these hailstones?

Riot? Call this a riot? 

Police Brutality? You have to be kidding me...

Crime? You don't know crime!

And even down to:

Rubbish TV? You have no idea....

Poor postal service? Late buses? Slow trains? 

I will stop now.

I can truly see why The Poms hate us Saffas.

We really can be annoying.

if you go down to the woods today,..

Well, indeed.

Teddy Bears Picnic.

Was fun, eventually...
Just shows you how Facebook can Big Up an event.
So, SA Sam, The Gorgeous Son, The New Girlfriend, The Hubby and I, off we all go, excited about the Teddy Bears Picnic as advertised on Facebook Events.
Leave Worcester Park in our pyjamas.
Only idiots in pyjamas on the train.
All hoping we would be joined by millions more .
Not so much.

Arrive at function.
Only people there.
Look even more like tits, now, not only were we the only people in pyjamas on the trains,now we are the only people in the whole of Green park in pyjamas.
Now we just look like Chavs who have had a rough night out.

After sitting sadly on a park bench, a lovely girl arrived...she knew we were there for the picnic, seeing as, yes, as mentioned before, we were the only people in Green Park dressed in pyjamas. That is how she knew she was in the right place.


She was from Alaska.
We all went into mad Saffa mode and told her about watching Goeiemore Alaska in SA .
She looked a bit sad, and told us how Spanish people told her about the programme, Icelandic people, German people....she herself had never heard of it.

Sad , actually. Seeing as everything I know about Alaska, I learnt from that programme, called Northern Exposure, to give it its real name.

I digress...

Steam punk band arrived, made things much better, music always attracts people.
Laugh Yoga...well, you have to laugh.
Lordy! newAge Stuff can get really hilarious!

Still and all, fun day, was a bit hysterical when it started to hail...real hailstones, not big by Saffa standards, but quite scary by Pom measures.
Weather here is mad.

Despite totally rubbish organisation, hail and rain, lack of any facilities whatsoever, we had a fabulous time!

All down to the fact that we are fabulous.
And the sun makes life in London great!

Place Names...Oy!

Benidorm.
Now, does this not sound like a Pom seaside resort?
No.
Benidorm is is Spain.

Bangor.
Now, where would that be?
Wales.
Who knew?
Does this sound Welsh at all?
I think  not.

St Ives
Two of them, one in Cambridgeshire , one in Cornwall. (?)

Scunthorpe .
Don't even go there if you have no frame of reference for prononciation.

Slough.
Poor Dr Lauren pronounced this in a Saffa way. With hard G

Thames

The Gorgeous  Son did say thaymes
How would we know?

It is exhausting trying to keep up with the proper way to say things.