Headmasters

Today I went to the hairdressers.

Headmasters.

I have been there exactly once before. My goodness, did they not all fuss and faff about my broken ankle.

They said I could use my 50% off voucher (that expired end Feb) in the theory that if I hadn't broken my ankle, I would have used it anyway. I got a free head massage (didn't have the heart to tell them I HATE head massages)

Danielle (my Stylist) (she is about 12 years old) said that if I needed her to come to the house to do my hair, she would do it.

How very very sweet is that?

So, my hair looks quite nice now.

I did not go to Toni and Guy because they were rude to Dr Lauren .Not the same branch, but we are now boycotting the whole chain. Fuck 'em!

Dr Lauren is in Scotland climbing Ben Nevis.

She is going to visit MOTHER on Saturday/Sunday, thus missing Mother's Day for me, but taking over my Mother's Day obligation for MOTHER.

So, the whole of Mother's Day UK rests on The Gorgeous Son.

No Pressure.

Cream Soda

Cream Soda is supposed to be green. That's all I have to say on this matter.

Old Age

Old age is not for sissies. That's what people say. Well, let me tell you, it is also not for me.

Nope.

Having this fecking broken ankle has not taught me a respect for people with disabilities or the aged and infirm...it has instead instilled an absolute overwhelming fear of getting old.

I know what it is like to be thirsty and not be able to get your own drink, hungry and not be able to cook, hearing the phone or the doorbell and knowing there is no way in hell you are going to get there in time.

It took a day or two after the break for me to stop dreaming of walking and dream of being on my crutches. Now, in my dreams I am walking again.

I cannot walk like that anymore. Not yet anyway. I know that I will be able to again,(it's only a broken ankle after all!) but if that's what old age is like - dreaming about the things you used to be able to do, I can see it is going to be a Very Unpleasant Thing

My children will have to visit to "See if I am OK" Or pay a carer to do it for them.

My grandchildren will beg not to have to visit me , because, believe me, I am going to be one miserable fucker of an old person.

So, I do not want to live to be 93 like The Aged Grandparents. I do not even want to be 83 and quite frankly, 73 is not looking so great either.

Every time I see a Poor Old Duck in the High Street, toddling along with her zimmer frame and her shopping, my blood runs cold.

Am I feeling sorry for myself? Hell yes!

The way I feel at the minute I am booking a ticket for Switzerland for my 60th.

Boat Race

Who knew the whole of London, and I mean EVERYONE , went to The Boat Race?

Who knew it would be a 6 hour round trip with loads of walking?

Who knew the closest I would get to actually seeing the race was this shot of the big screen TV?

Still...WE WON! YAY!

(The Hubby went to Oxford)

Inside and out

In case I ever need to fly...which I am hoping, seeing as I have been dropping massive hints about going to Italy, I need to take my x rays with me.

Also, having bought a Birthday gift for Lovely Niece Sam (she deserves it) I realised that I set off alarms in posh shops. V. embarrassing.

So very not helped by The Hubby who ACTUALLY said " Did you steal anything?"

Not quietly to me ...(which may have been worse), but loudly to the staff, as we were on our third trip through the security gate.

I am never ever going shopping with him again.

Physio

Went for my first physio today...all the way by myself on the K4 bus. This is the Hospital Bus. Was quite a rush for the disabled seats , but only having one crutch, I got there first.

Robin is my physio guy...he is very nice.

This was our first conversation

Robin : Was it a traumatic break?

Me: Well, I was traumatised and so was my husband.

Who knew "Traumatic Break" was a medical description???

So, apart from the fact that he probably thinks I am as mad as a hatter (he did laugh though!)

I have exercises to do, I have been overcompensating on my left hip and basically walking like a spaz.

Oops.. .guess that is not very PC.

Hasten to add that is not quite how Robin put it.

I have been worried that I would re break the bones but apparently that cannot happen seeing as I am held together like The Man Of Steel.

We are aiming for a brisk 20 minute walk along the Queen's promenade from Surbiton to Kingston as the culmination of the therapy.

At the moment 'brisk' and 'walk' does not quite describe what I can do.

Will keep you posted.

Comic Relief again

I know I am going on about this, but it has truly impressed me.

In SA, we also had Red Nose/Comic Relief Day. I bought many Red Noses, although I did draw the line at buying one for the car.

Is there still Red Nose Day in SA? I hope so.

Here, you are made to be CONSTANTLY socially aware. Not just on Red Nose Days.

It is a Very Good Thing.

Every month I give (by debit order) £12 to Cancer Relief.

The original reason for me doing this was because I was approached by a young lad in the street, and I thought, Oh dear lord, what if this is the only job The Gorgeous Son can get in the UK, so I signed up immediately. (fortunately it wasn't )

I buy The Big Issue every week.

The Hubby also donates to a charity every month. In fact, everyone I know here does.

People volunteer. The Gorgeous Son volunteers for St John's Ambulance, and in fact is running the London Marathon for them. Dr Lauren and Darling Simon do a lot for charity, more than any of us actually.

There are many , many charity shops. In our wee village of Surbiton there must be at least 7 in the High Street alone.

I am aware of Children at Risk, the Plight of the Elderly, Donkey Abuse, Animal Abuse, and I now know about every disease from Alzheimers to Zadik Barak Levin Syndrome.

Why?

Because they are all highlighted every single day. Not to say I didn't know this was going on in SA, but it is easy to forget when you are so rarely reminded. We are selfish, most of the time.

When The Hubby and I turn 60 (horribly close) we will no longer pay for prescriptions, glasses, dentists or travel on buses. We will get a heating allowance, rebates on everything from council tax to TV and help whenever we need it.

You are so cared about here, that you, in turn, must care as well.

OK, they do go a tad overboard about smoking and drinking and healthy eating and 5 a day...but it is because they CARE. (and it costs the NHS money, I am not a total idiot, I do realise this!)

Nobody asks you for a fortune, usually it is £1 sent by sms. Millions of people do it. On the equivalent of 5Fm here (BBC Radio 1) they raised over £2 million in 3 days .

I Love it.

I am a better person when I am a Pom.

Oh Happy Day

The sun is shining...more washing is drying, the million dollar cleaners have just left.

I walked with one crutch to the doctors.

I appear by some miracle to have lost 2kg.

Spent a whole day with Amiga Jane yesterday.

Have done almost all the ironing.

And Hoppy seems to have a new friend!

Trying not to get too excited, but he has been with her 3 times now, once, running and playing, much as he used to do with that Slut Skippy.

Another time , eating the nuts I put out, and the third time they were looking in wonderment at my washing on the line.

She appears to be a very avant-garde squirrel, her name is Lady Gaga. She has a stripe shaved down the middle of her back. Either an old injury, or more probably, mange.

Am reserving judgement for the minute, I will keep you posted.

Could life get better than this?

Pom Sun 2

It is 3 o' clock. The 15 degree high is over.

BUT, all good, the washing is dry.

(barely)

I can put the towels in the 'airing cupboard'

Odd Pom invention, but is warm, and dries towels and stuff. If it was actually bigger than a cardboard box, it would be quite useful.

I don't really understand the 'airing cupboard' There are many pipes and switches. It is, actually, quite warm in there when the hot water/heating is on. (I don't truly understand the hot water/heating thing either)

I am willing to admit that I am perhaps a bit thick, but also, the Pom heating/water thing is a tad odd.

In South Africa we managed to have hot water and heating without an actual cupboard to house it in. Was much easier. Never switched anything off or on.

Pom Sun

Today is the first day since last October that I have hung washing outside.

The weather forecast today is a high of 15. Very exciting. It is about 9 just now and I am sitting outside in the Pom Sun, feeling no warmth whatsoever. Neither is the fecking washing. It is just hanging there, steadfastly staying wet. No mind, I am prepared to wait until it reaches 15.

I don't think I have complained quite so much this year about the cold. I am unsure what this means. I don't think it means I am turning into a Pom because they bitch and moan about the weather all the time.

I think it means I am pathetically grateful for small mercies.

Also, having spent 8 weeks indoors, even 9 degrees seems quite pleasant.

In South Africa there was an ad every year singing 'Come on Summer, come on, come on....'

It had to do with cricket. I neither like nor understand cricket, but I am singing the song.

Getting better all the time...

Nice huh? Slightly pink because I ran the bath too hot and nearly broiled myself to death.

The Hubby is in the bath now as he is satan himself and can bath in a million degrees C

Talking of cats...

You must watch this..this is my Grandkitten India.

India is a London Apartment Cat.

So , she has a cat flap in the window.

She has a microchip that opens up the catflap, allowing only her to go in and out (not other cats or god forbid, foxes!)

This catflap can be set to certain hours, so that , for example, she is not going out at night (she is still a baby after all.)

How amazing is that?

Anyway, this video clip is not about the catflap...is way way funnier than that!

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=10150406690965253&comments

Ah! Spring!

Spring is here...well, it is 12 degrees...and the Pom animals are mad.

This is Dave the Cat From Next Door eating the leaves on our creeper. He is not the only one, there are another 3 cats that do the very same thing.

No idea why they do this, no idea what plant it is , is quite amusing to watch as often the cats fall off the wall.

Am trying to capture it on video.

Pity this did not happen when I had nothing to do all day...now that I am mobile I am very busy. Cleaning, cooking, trying to walk etc.

No time to sit around all day in the hope that a cat will plummet from the wall and make me a you tube sensation.

Comic Relief

I had to come to the UK to learn about Africa.

I have spent 2 days laughing.....and crying. Listening to Poms who up until now I thought know fuck all nothing about Africa..and perhaps they don't...but they CARE, they care more than any Saffa cares.

I have moved back to the UK to learn that life is not cheap. Moan and bitch about a Nanny State...that Nanny State CARES about you, about old people, about children, about disabled people...Bloody hell...all I had was a broken ankle, the whole state and NHS cared about me.

They made me go to the doctor after my fall, to make sure I was not a poor old lady living on my own that was likely to fall again, I laughed, and was even a bit offended that they had to make sure I was OK, that I was safe, that I was unlikely to fall again...

And I have spent 3 days listening to Comic relief, watching videos about Africa that I have never seen before.

I am ashamed and embarrassed that I have been so thoughtless.

The Hubby and I have donated more money in the past 24 hours than we ever did when we lived in Africa.

Yes, I bought my maid a house, yes, I paid for her child's funeral, but she still died from bacterial meningitis and we could do nothing about it.

Shame on me.

Shame on you.

Mirror

I do not have a full length mirror at home

The hotel did

AAAAAARRRRGGGHHHH

Wish I had not eaten all those pizza and crap food whilst i was expending no energy

FAT FAT FAT PIG

Not funny

Crematorium

This was quite an experience.

There was a woman, dressed all in black, with an impressive hat, she was an official Mourner , and did a good job as she was very caring and helpful and looked as though she was about to burst into tears at any minute.

The minister was a woman, and gave a very good service, Cousin Phil was not at all religious and she said so, but added that everyone believes in Love, and he was returning to the Love from which he had come. I thought that was very sweet.

I could have done without the dramatic closing of the purple curtains around the coffin, but I guess

it was better than seeing the coffin go into the flames.

Lordy Lordy

Outing

Was a bit sad that my first outing was to a funeral, but all over now, and it was lovely to see the Spanish Family. Nice service for Cousin Phil and we sang Jerusalem, even me who cannot sing at all, but I didn't care and nobody was rude to me (seeing I was disabled, they probably thought the kak voice was par for the course.)

Dr Lauren has been very helpful. She pointed out that I was turning out my bad foot, made me walk straight, made me walk without crutches and taught me the difference between Real and Perceived pain. (not in a loving way)

Phew! She is going to be SUCH a good Doctor, but she is quite mean.

But, I must say, always right, and thanks to her, I am getting better much faster than I thought I would. Seeing as it was only day 2, I thought she would be more floofy and caring, but apparently not.

We stayed in a Premier Inn, ( like Holiday Inn) which is endorsed for some odd reason by Lenny Henry. (I have gone right off him since he and Dawn French got divorced)

The staff were wonderful.

The Head Waiter called me 'Duck' Pronounced 'Dook'

He was quite sexy actually, and although the 'Dook' was probably due to my disabled state...I was thinking 'COUGAR!'

Did not, however, share this thought with Dr Lauren or The Hubby.

Was just an odd thought between the berry compote and the crumpets.

Transformation

See? Salt scrub, a razor

(sorry Hubby, mine was not up to the job), exfoliating glove, bio oil, coconut cream...brandy... much better now!

Frankenfoot

Well...we knew it was going to look pretty yukky, but this is a bit more disgusting than I expected.

Look at that hair!

And skin!

I am still KAK impressed with the NHS, I was at the hospital for 3 hours which included removal of the cast, x rays, appointment with the surgeon and a trip to physio to make an appointment for next week. (also included a small problem in the lift , me (The Hubby was doing some admin) and a girl in a wheelchair, was a tad difficult to open the fecking doors, we went up and down about 3 times )

The doctors and x ray guys and , in fact, all the wonderful staff that helped me, were about 17 years old.

OK, perhaps my surgeon is 20....

It still amazes me that I have paid not one cent (pence?) for all this treatment...from the surgery to the crutches to the minimum of 6 weeks physio I will be having.

I have to get a copy of my x rays for if I travel on an airplane...oops...forgot to tell Amiga Jane that I forged her signature on my form...if they phone you, please tell them you have actually known me for 40 years!

I am a tad disappointed that I am not hopping and skipping, still need the crutches (actually, can manage on one crutch now) Still have to crawl up and down the stairs....but! had a bath all by myself, made supper all by myself and tidied up the kitchen, which under The Hubby's rule was starting to look like a bomb site.

Speaking of The Hubby, he will never lose me...just follow the trail of shed skin......

Dr Lauren (another child doctor) will be here tomorrow to go to the funeral with us and I just know she is going to be uber bossy and mean and make me put my foot flat on the floor.

Tomorrow..you're only a day away!

Am far to excited to sleep.

Have watched Black Books, Gavin & Stacy, Never Mind The Buzzcocks.

Am still world champion of Zuma Blitz and Bejewelled Blitz on Facebook.

Am playing retro game King's Quest (suck at it)

Reading Clan Of The Cave Bear and am hoping Jondalar will be eaten by a cave lion, bloody whining twat.

Listening to The Hubby who has taken Night Nurse and is snoring like a flipping storm trooper.

Thinking Ireland is nice and far away actually.

Scratching leg under cast , thus releasing cascades of dead skin (disgusting)

Dreaming of standing on 2 feet.

Amazed that 7 weeks have gone by and realising I have done fuck all nothing in that time.

Oh..no, not true, have written a crap Mills and Boon book which will hopefully be published and earn me £1000.

Don't even ask....

Have organised the washing and drying of my trackies (pom for track suit pants) (£2 from Primark) which I bought for gym (see? that's what happens if you join a gym, break your bloody ankle)

Have to wear them tomorrow seeing as they are the only items of clothing that fit over the cast, I am going to look like a fucking chav.

Never mind, will wear my diamond earrings. And talk posh.

OMG am never going to get to sleep.

Foxes are making murdered children noises...very distressing.

Nice, it is half past one now. I am going to look like crap tomorrow.

How will I celebrate?

Well, let me think.

Wednesday we are going to a funeral.

So, that leaves tomorrow seeing as the funeral will pretty much take care of Wed and Thurs.

The funeral is in Uttoxecter. No idea actually where that is.

Is The Hubby's cousin. I have never met him, but, bless, we are going to be a support for Spanish Cousin Janet. (his sister)

Dr Lauren is also going, but not The Gorgeous Son as he will be in Venice.

Ok, am now going to plug into one of my podcasts and try and get some sleep.

Not the Kindle text to speech, is like Stephen Hawkins reading you a bedtime story.

Sorry, Stephen, you may be god, but text to speech is iffy.

oh bloody hell, the snoring is increasing in volume...just going to put my hand over The Hubby's nose and mouth, then night night !

xx

Last Night

Last night of crawling up the stairs (I have a carpet burn on my right knee)

Last night of crawling to the bathroom (no fun being face level with the bowl)

Last night of sleeping with the bankie in the bed and an arrangement of pillows.

Last night of dying of thirst because I am reluctant to wake The Hubby to get a drink

(and at the minute , he has manflu)

I am so fucking happy!

Last week of the wheelchair.

Amiga Jane was the best Driver, BTW.

The Gorgeous Son lost points for asking for a table in Zizzi's for '2 people and 1 disabled'

Also , for loudly saying 'look, a friend' because there was another person in a wheelchair in the restaurant.

And for the 'wheelie 'on the way out.

Last week of those fecking crutches that fall over all the time.

Last week of carrying stuff in my mouth like a DOG.

Problem is going to be that my metabolism has slowed down to that of a tortoise after lying around 55 minutes out of the hour for 7 weeks.

Yay Yay Yay!

Will report back tomorrow on the NHS experience with Ms Middleton and Dr Yeo.

Evolution

Bit tricky taking a drink up to bed at night. Obviously coffee or a glass of water is impossible, so it has to be a can of cooldrink.

Preparing to go up to bed, I leave the lounge on my crutches, fetch a cooldrink from the kitchen before crawling up the stairs, across the landing and then to the bed where I pull myself up into bed using the bedside table .

So, the cooldrink can is under my arm (this is awkward and painful) my mobile is stuck into the top of my cast, my kindle is shoved down my pants, and last night I tucked a few mint humbugs into my bra.

I have evolved

I am Half woman - Half handbag

Internet shop

Just as you think you have it all sorted...what a DISASTER. The yogurts, by comparison, are nothing.

For the first time ever, I used 'my favourites' to order my groceries. (orders I have done in the past)

There is something here that has never been explained to me, so, as a result, I have doubles of everything I ordered, apart, of course from stuff I ordered 2 of, those , I now have FOUR of.

So, 20 Happy eggs, 34 diet cokes , 2 mushroom packs, 8 baked beans , 2 pak choi, 4 fairy liquid.....

I thought it was expensive, but figured it was inflation........

Not that I have space for all this stuff.. Bless The Gorgeous Son, he tidied up the grocery cupboards and the fridge and freezer and somehow we fitted it all in.

Still and all, it cost only £96 and I will not have to shop again forever.

Anyone for a pickled egg? Or a cornichon? (4 jars of those) or tomatoes? bread?

Bloody hell.

How much stilton can one person eat? Ah well, will give it my best shot for supper.

Retro post

Seeing as we are calling back the past, I have not posted about my internet shopping for a while.

It is a true blessing at the minute. I add to the delivery instructions that I am on crutches , so to be patient while I get to the door. Also, that the delivery guy unpacks the crates onto the table for me.

The Gorgeous Son will pop around after work and put the stuff away for me (I hope). And he needs to do Waste Management as it is Rubbish Day tomorrow and I am home alone.

So, this month's shop had some fabulous bargains.

3 x 2 liter sparkling waters for 90p

Olive oil, virgin, BOGOF for £3.40

24 diet cokes for £4.80 , also BOGOF

Best of all, buy 2 flash products (cleaning stuff) and get £2.30 off. So I bought 2 flash wipe packs for £1 each and ended up with a credit. Amazing.

I no longer buy meat, fish or chicken on my internet shop, I get it from a company called Farmers Choice, which has organic, tucked into bed, read bedtime stories , live in the Orkneys animals, delivered to my door, all prepackaged for 2 people zipper bags. I love it. No artificial colours or additives, best kippers and sausages I have ever had. Costs me £40 a month, not too bad.

By mistake, last month , I ordered eggs without checking, and got CAGED HEN eggs. I was devastated. Darling Simon must never know.

Totally overcompensated this month because I feel so guilty. Bought Happy Eggs. Obviously from Happy Hens.

Weather Report

Before I wrote this, I checked the weather on my blog for this time last year. Fucking Freezing were the words I used. So, my remembrance of February being the last cold month was wrong.

I will, however, go with just freezing, seeing as I am now more used to the cold. -3 this morning, with lots of frost, but with the promise of getting to 10 degrees.

Not that it makes any difference to me, being inside all day.

The sky is blue, no clouds, so it looks way better than it actually is.

and furthermore...

When I do have this sodding cast off, my leg is going to be hairy, white, horrendously scarred, all the skin is peeling off (I look like a leper) and apparently (so says my surgeon) I will be able to see the plates and screws through my skin seeing as my ankles are so thin. Pity I didn't break my goddamn stomach, would never have seen the plates and screws then.

ENOUGH

I have had enough of this stupid ankle. I have had enough of crawling around on my hands and knees like a flipping dog, sometimes even holding things in my goddamn MOUTH.

I have had enough of only having a bath when The Hubby is here, I have had enough of typing lying down, enough of seeing mess and not being able to tidy it, enough of having to have babysitters (bless them, they have all been lovely) enough of being exhausted by the tiniest effort, enough of climbing up and down the stairs like a flipping monkey. I have had enough of hearing myself moan and whinge.

On the up side....Hoppy is back.

Neil Worrell Esq came to visit and brought lovely supper and wine and cheese, Amiga Jane is coming to take me out in my wheelchair. I read fabulous books recommended by Tess of the Melbournevilles, even though I was somewhat traumatised by the subject matter.

I am world champion at both Bejewelled Blitz and Zuma Blitz.

EIGHT DAYS TO GO

Day Out

Very very exciting to actually leave the house, it is a nerve wracking experience to

have people

pushing you in a wheelchair when you know that they don't know what they are doing. I did survive , however, apart from having my sticking out leg rammed into various objects in the street.

First stop was the library where I had to pay a FIFTEEN POUND fine for my books, thank god I had renewed them, if I hadn't it probably would have been about 3 times that. Bloody rip off.

Then we went for a pub lunch at The Coronation Hall, a converted musical hall and possibly the most beautiful pub I have ever seen (Oh...apart from the one in Drury Lane)

I could not go in the front door in the wheelchair, so had to go up the side alley and into the service lift (see pics)

I was absolutely knackered when we got home and had to go to bed.

I fear the worst for my supposed outing along The Queen's Promenade today, as SA Sam has left to go for her next caring job, and The Hubby is in a bad mood because of a disc drive. And, also, I think, at the prospect of having to look after me without SA Sam.

Poor Hoppy

SA Sam is out on a course today, and I was starving. Obviously I cannot make myself food. It is impossible to stand on one leg without crutches for any length of time. And of course the foot turns purple. There also seems to be no actual food in the kitchen. I ate 2 plums and was crunching my way through some ryvitas, when poor , sad, and quite thin looking Hoppy came right up to the door. (that Skippy is a slut, I still can't believe she has buggered off with BIF) I managed to open the door and throw some ryvitas out to him, which he pounced upon. I don't think he knows where the slut hid all the nuts. Poor Hoppy.

Then, you will not BELIEVE, Dave the cat from next door jumped into the garden and was STALKING Hoppy. I was quite beside myself, I didn't want to frighten Hoppy away from his food in case I never saw him again and he starved to death. I had to stop Dave the cat from next door, and for a mad moment did consider throwing a crutch at him. I had to shout 'No, no, BAD CAT', which indeed did frighten Hoppy away. He will probably never come back. I am quite distraught. I also am still bloody starving . I have ordered a pizza. I get a free 2liter coke. I do not want this coke. I cannot carry a coke. I will have to make the delivery man put it in the kitchen. This is a bad thing. I have sticking up mad person's hair.I don't really want to interact with a delivery man who will think I am a crazy old bat.

I am fed up with this stupid leg.

Spring se gat

I thought Spring was here. Not so much. Very annoying.

I don't think it is that cold actually. But, poor disabled me, even though I have a wheelchair, I am trapped and bound by my carers that think it is too cold to go for an walk.

I don't care how fucking cold it is...I have not been outside of the house for FIVE WEEKS.

You may think it is cold... I can have a blanket tucked around me.

Very very funny.. The Gorgeous Son put SA Sam into my wheelchair and then tipped her upside down.......these are the very people who will be taking me out for walks.

Please Hubby, come home from Dublin and take me along the promenade to Kingston.

It is 2 degrees . How is that Spring?

It is March. I am thinking it should be warmer.

AAARRGGHHH