Driving Miss Daisy

When I just THINK of driving in South Africa, with a can of diet coke, a cigarette and talking on my cell phone, listening to the radio...bloody hell, if you could see me now now, hands at ten past two,listening intently to Sat Nav..like a real granny. Darling Simon goes mad at people driving in the middle lane, but believe me, it is the safest place to be when you don't know which lane to be in. Sat Nav Bitch gave up the ghost today, so my planned outing to the wee village of Toft had to be cancelled. I looked at google maps and quickly realised that there was no way I would find this place on my own. She wasn't so great anyway, so I am getting a new one. Also, because the Poms are quite mad, I can't get petrol. It is like Zimbabwe here at the minute...petrol stations closed, queues up the wazoo...just because there may be a drivers strike, which hasn't happened yet, but everyone is in a big panic, filling up their cars. £50 worth of petrol has so far lasted us at least a month. I would have put petrol in last week before the panic, but being a Saffa, I don't actually know HOW to put petrol in. Now I have to wait either until the panic is over, or make The Hubby queue. This is not a good time to learn. People are filling jerry cans with petrol, which has set off a huge health and safety issue, and one woman has already set herself on fire pouring petrol from one container to another. The reason I was going to Toft? There is a Saffa Shop there and I am going to find someone and MAKE them be my friend. I am giving up on The Poms. They are like a pack of wolves, they sense I am not one of them.

15 minutes of fame...

You WILL NOT BELIEVE!
Getting ready to go to the airport...what a faff, included me having to cut MOTHER'S toenails..the least said about that the better..
So, I had no make up on..quite Mad People Hair, red face from being in the sun..get to the airport, am promptly interviewed by BBC 4 TV.
Can you imagine?
Subject was the new bill  of rights for passengers.
About which I know nothing.
But did think it was a great idea seeing as we nearly had to cancel MOTHER'S flight, for which we would have had to pay £40, and I would be very happy if someone would whizz her around in a wheelchair and cut her toenails and pay for my parking.
So, if I do not look to much like "Odd Woman From Cambridge" I will post the link when the programme is flighted.
But probably not.

Circles of hell

I simply cannot get used to all these fecking roundabouts...by the time I have done about ten of them, I have no idea in which direction I am pointing. What is wrong with a good old four way stop?
 I  used to find driving quite relaxing, here, between the circles and Sat Nav Bitch, I am fraught. I drove to Stanstead airport to drop off  MOTHER , got there...dropped her off after much farting around, panicking and Airport Brain( not me ) ...Sat Nav Bitch drove me home a totally different route, at no time did I know where I was until suddenly, after driving down a wee country lane, I was surprised to be about two minutes from home. Stanstead Airport is a big rip off...parking..cost me £15 for about 20 mins. Bloody Hell.

Weather again

Indeed, it is Summer.
 Today was up to 20 degrees.
The morning newspaper (which I get on my ipad) said that this has been the hottest March since 1968.
They also issued a Fire warning.
WTF is going to catch fire here??
I did, however , warn The Hubby, in case he was involved in a fire on his way to work.
Health and Safety. You can never be too careful.

Long saga of MOTHER and SISTER of MOTHER, but, passport should arrive tomorrow and we can head off in The Wee Silver Bullet to the airport, and life will return to normal.

Am spending the day in bed on Thursday.
I don't care.

More Family Matters

I can post this post , knowing that neither The Famous Brother nor The Wife ever read my Blog.
The Famous Brother has been taken over by aliens.
He has gone from a total slob to a triatholon maniac , cycling, swimming , running..., scary scary what have you done with my brother???
Not saying much here....but all of you may be suffering from body dysmorphia...
Have spent most of my life trying to get The Famous Brother and Family to eat like normal people.....now he is telling me what to do! Lordy!

Lovely Cousin Katy

Yes, she is younger than me..and lovelier, and sexier, and saintlier...but how cool is it that we are so alike?
I know I have said this before, but it bears repeating!
And of course...way way younger.

MOTHER and visits

Lordy Lordy. I have been to every charity shop and pound land and nursery (the garden, not the school) known to man and Sat Nav Bitch.
 I have endured tirades about everything from the UK to Africa.
 Suddenly, MOTHER refers to her time in the Cape as being in "Africa"
I think she thinks she is Karen Bliksem.
We have discussed everything under the sun since she landed here. I have been a saint, whilst we have covered all the failings of various family members, including my father, about whom I will never hear a wrong word (especially seeing as he is no longer with us and has no faults at all in my opinion)
 Dr Lauren remarked that I am much happier this week. Yes indeed. I am.
I have seen how much worse it can be.
 So..not to bitch too much about MOTHER.
BUT Time for her to go home.
I book her a flight .
 Easier for her than a bus or a train.
 So far so good.
Find out after said booking...MOTHER has no photo ID.
 No worries.
 Phone SISTER OF MOTHER.
To post passport/bus pass .
SISTER OF MOTHER does not agree to this task .
Lovely Cousin Katy is now charged with task.
 Lovely Cousin Katy is a saint (like me) (actually more a saint than me) and has sorted everything out .
 My nerves are shot. Sadly, I am looking forward to later this week when I can do housework and have quiet time.
 Also, am reflecting on the fact that my children probably find me very irritating and annoying as well,and wish I would go to Switzerland already, and in fact if they suggest this, I will probably agree.
 I love my children very much and I hope that they don't hate me. I will be better....promise promise promise....
Now that I know just how irritating MOTHERS can be.

MOTHER

Between the ipad and The Wee Pee Cee and MOTHER...my nerves are shot. Have no idea what I am doing . I am so used to the ipad that I can't work the Wee Pee Cee anymore, either the ipad gets with the programme , or I  cannot do this flipping blog!

Correction

I have not actually being driving at 20 to 30 miles an hour. That would be the rev counter. Who knew?

Mad in Cambridge

Got to say, this is the most original busker I have ever seen, and I have seen a lot in London!
Apparently , he has been in this dustbin for years....at one stage the students had to be asked not to put smoke bombs in his bin (very mean, actually...why would they do that?? )
I laughed all the way down the street, and yes, I did give him some money.

Reading Group

Today was my second reading group.
Again, a bit like school.
Our new book is  To Kill A Mocking Bird.
Fine, I will read it again.
The woman who runs the group is very Teacher Teacher. I found myself wanting to please her.
Only two other people there, so this may not turn out to be a great source for making friends.
Still and all, quite enjoyable.
Next week I start ZUMBA!
Actually have only a vague idea what this is about, and am somewhat worried seeing as I have next to no co ordination and I know it involves some dancing.
Also, it is an 'over fifties ZUMBA'
Whereas I do know that I am  officially over fifty, this troubles me on many levels.
Apart from the fact that The Reading Group did not hesitate to suggest it to me, and that the young guy at the ZUMBA Center did not even question for a second which group I may like to join.
Old age is a bitch.
At least no-one asked me if I would like to join the Tea Dances.

Driving in the Uk

How very cute is this? I want eyelashes for my car!

Yes, indeed , I have a car..known as the Wee Silver Bullet.

Today, for the first time ever, I drove using the SatNav.

(In South Africa I always knew where I was going, in London, there was never a need for a car.)

It took me less than 4 minutes to get to a place that had previously taken me just short of an hour to get to on the bus (2 buses actually)

So...wayyyyy early...I did look it up on google maps, but was somewhat disbelieving when they said 6 minutes.

My nerves!

First of all , the robots (traffic lights for non Saffas) are on the OTHER side of the road, not on the side where you stop. To add to this confusion, not all of them are like this.

Then there was a traffic light thing where there were 2 lights , at the same place...one was red, and one had a green arrow. Both facing me.

I panicked and the car behind me HOOTED.

Oh peep up your arse.

THEN, the traffic lights go orange before red, but then again orange before they go green.

The circles (roundabouts) , some of them are like fecking mountains..you can't see over them..other ones are a barely discernible bump in the road.

And don't even get me started on bus lanes and bicycle lanes and cyclists!

All a learning curve...and I am loving having a car.

I have not yet put petrol in the car. I don't intend to. I am going to run it almost dry until Saturday and then make The Hubby do it.

Seeing as apart from a brief foray into driving when we were in Cornwall, I have not driven for 3 years...I am taking it carefully.

I do not know what 20 miles an hour is, but this is the speed at which I travel.

Well...20 to 30.

The SatNav throws me into a total panic by saying "in 1050 feet, turn left"

There must be a way of making her go metric, stupid bitch.

Going to a large supermarket parking it is a good idea to know what your car looks like, or what the registration is.

Or, indeed, just remember where you park, which is working for me so far.

If I can get the eyelashes for The Wee Silver Bullet, it will be easier for me to find it.

Next week I am going to venture further afield.

Gardening...

These are my newly purchased (Tesco, £12) gardening wellies.
The whole of the Uk got into a panic 2 weeks ago in case there was going to be a drought.
This was because it had not rained for about 2 days...Hosepipe Ban! Panic Panic!!
Anyway, it rained. Big Surprise.
So, if I am going to do some more gardening (if it ever gets warm enough for me to want to..) I now am equipped.
Bare feet do not work so well in March. This I have discovered.

Eating words

Yup. Not spring. In fact it snowed at the weekend and is 3C today. So The Hubby was right again. I almost went up into the loft and got the summer clothes out. The Loft is amazing. It is fitted out with cupboards , desks, and lots of storage place. Unfortunately it can only be accessed by pulling down a fold up ladder using a stick thing. Due to my propensity for breaking ankles, I am forbidden from going to The Loft while Home Alone.

Friend overture...

Somebody actually spoke to me today. She said "Do you watch Coronation Street?" The answer is "no" Even though I did not add that I have never ever actually seen even one episode of Coronation Street, the conversation was over. Apparently there was someone in the room that looked like one of the CS actors. So, not a new friend there......

Technology....

The egg hunt trip was somewhat beset with errors....The Hubby had business in Chalfont St Giles, so we parted there, found out ten minutes later that my camera had no battery life left, and also, my sd card was at home in my wee pee cee. No worries, I had my iPad. On 16% battery. No worries, I had my phone.....om zero% battery. Fabulous. I had to buy an emergency charger (£20) to charge my phone so that The Hubby could phone me and so that we could actually find each other in amongst the million billion people that inhabit London. Took the photos of the eggs on the iPad till that ran out...... Had to listen to a lecture from The Hubby who ALWAYS charges his phone/tablet/camera Smarty Pants